Day 156: Surgeryland recovery and silver bangle

At the end of another long day in post Surgeryland/ Cancerworld, I missed a day blogging yesterday; I just didn't have it in me to sit and write. I've found a predictable cycle emerging at each stage of this 'journey' (I sound like Kubler-Ross!): it starts with anxiously awaiting news (which, let's face it, has mostly been negative), then feeling overwhelmed and upset on hearing it, then, sometimes feeling angry, then accepting and moving on to face whatever comes next. Today I'm still in the angry phase but see the passage through to the next level. The fear underlying much of this has mostly been pushed beneath the surface; I'm sure it will raise it's ugly head somewhere down the track, though I'm determined once I'm out the other end I will not make this experience and fear of recurrence the focus of my life. What a waste that would be.

Yesterday was my appointment with Dr Elisabeth, the surgeon. Robbie and I entered her calm rooms in the City and she greeted us very warmly. When seated in her office she told us the results of the pathology from the surgery which was that there was indeed a 1cm invasive carcinoma in the tissue, surrounded by ductal carcinoma in situ - considered a 'pre cancer', which is what I was first diagnosed with in 2010. The carcinoma was of moderate to high grade which means it had been growing relatively quickly, but was stopped in its tracks by the chemo (though unbelievably, given the nature of those toxins, not killed off entirely).

It took some time for Rob and I to absorb the news and to ask Elisabeth our questions, which she answered fully. I think Rob was more shocked than me about the results; I always had a feeling that there might be something lurking in and around the implant to the extent that I had asked for further surgical investigation in December, only to be brushed off by my then surgeon. Today he received a letter which spelt out in no uncertain terms what I think about the miscalculations in his clinical management of my case. That's one way to let off some steam!

The positive news, and the reasons I'm grateful for these results are:
1) that the tissue and possible carcinoma were detected by radio-oncologist Rowena in the first place;
2) that Elisabeth was quickly able to operate and remove all the tissue containing the cancer so that it could not cause any further harm;
3) it resolves the mystery of the nodal involvement;
4) that I will now be able to move on to radiotherapy confident that I will be having the right dose after the right diagnosis.

Elisabeth has been consulting with the other specialists in my care team so all are fully aware of what's going on. Rowena called me yesterday to reassure me that by the start of spring I'll be leaping back into life.

I will be seeing Rachel the oncologist next week to get her opinion on whether there are further steps I should take on the chemo front to take in light of these results. God I hope not!

I've had a very quiet day today. I woke with a mantra: rest and restore, and that's just what I've done. A highlight was a visit from Nat this afternoon, who arrived with a lovely gift, and a long chat with Betty. Otherwise I've just taken it very slowly while I process the latest news and prepare to get on with things. Angus is out tonight at his school disco, so James, Robbie and I are watching Love&Mercy - a great movie about Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys that I watched on a plane but the boys haven't seen. It holds up to a second viewing.

Today I'm wearing today a bangle I got a very long time ago - in 1995 - when I was in New York for Christmas. I love it's simplicity and clasp. It's one of those old friends whose travelled around with me for 22 years. Those dates shock me now; in some ways it feels like yesterday.