Day 158: Surgeryland recovery with Black and Silver Cuff

Another good night's sleep and less discomfort today, so I feel I'm making progress. My main adventure today was head to head into the city with Jamie to do some shopping. Although the shop didn't have the clothes he wanted, it was a lovely excuse to spend time alone with him and for us to escape to our favourite Chinese restaurant for a delicious noodle and dumpling lunch. He's a great conversationalist and such good company.

While we were out Nat was busy providing commentary on our research on women in the construction industry on ABC's the World Today. Go Nat!









I chose to wear my black and silver cuff today - a wonderful gift from Lindy and Chris at the time of my book launch in 2015. Because I rushed out the door this morning, I forgot to put any earrings in; once I realised I felt very naked.





Now this is something very beautiful brought to my attention today by Sophie in Melbourne. It's called the Chandelier of Lost Earrings, an installation piece made up of 3000 single earrings that have lost their mate, like those that I've lamented in earlier posts.

Initially installed at a Manchester hospital, the artist gathered the earrings from all over, and each came with their own story. How absolutely wonderful! I plan to track it down next time I'm in the UK. Thanks Sophie!

For more details, and a touching short Youtube video see the following links:
http://laurensagar.com/portfolio_page/cole/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSc9fks9Brg

Now for a relaxing weekend and the offical start of the school holidays.

Day 157: Surgeryland recovery Red Bange (with new earrings!)

Last night I had my second solid night's sleep since January, so I woke with energy and ready to try to get back into my morning walk routine. Although it was cold and drizzly, it was good to get out in the fresh air and do a tentative and truncated walk around Sydney park with Robbie and Molly.  Molly seemed to be trying to take extra care of me, torn between jumping in the car to accompany me home, or following Rob to continue the walk. We pushed her to do the latter, but she wouldn't continue on until she watched me drive away.

Lovely Sabine and Amanda Gouws,
May 2013

I came home to find these fabulous new red earrings sent from Germany by my dear colleague Sabine Lang. Sabine is based at the Washington University in Seattle, though spends time each year in Berlin. I enjoyed visiting Sabine at her campus back in 2005, and hosting her at UNSW a few years ago. Sabine does great work on gender and politics in Europe, including most recently an important paper on gender and the refugee crisis - I missed it at the recent Lausanne conference, but heard that it was fabulous. I'm looking forward to welcoming her back to Sydney in 2018, hopefully at the same time as Fiona, and we can plot some fun adventures -both physical and intellectual - together.
My new earrings match my red dinosaur design bangle just perfectly!

Today I've pretty much worked through the anger phase - it helped sending Dave the letter yesterday - and moving on to getting my head around next steps. My mood was helped along by two lovely visitors - the first was Bretty (Day 17) our wonderful friend who is a potter, who arrived with a white orchid sitting in one of his blue pots, along with a bowl which is of a new design for him - both very beautiful. This afternoon while everyone else was out, Pete Crogan (Day 55) came to visit. Pete's such a core part of our family and my history and is such a wise and intelligent person (just like all Capricorns, you might say!). It was so great to sit and have a long one-on-one chat with him, something I haven't had the chance to do for ages.

I'm also loving my new puzzle from Deb of Park Ave, NYC in spring time. It's bright happy colours are great to work with, and it's a constant reminder that Rob and I will be making a short trip across to the Big Apple in December, which is something to look forward to.

I've had so many supportive messages today; feeling your outrage on my behalf is very comforting. As Nat and I were discussing yesterday, calling out bad practice in the medical profession is really hard - they are so protective of each other and there really is no way to evaluate them as say we lecturers are at University, or the way we rate our teachers, Uber drivers, hotels, and everything else these days. I so wish there was a way I could publicly and easily warn other people off Dr Dave, especially as I note he's just opened a third clinic, when he patently cannot handle his case load as it is!

Day 156: Surgeryland recovery and silver bangle

At the end of another long day in post Surgeryland/ Cancerworld, I missed a day blogging yesterday; I just didn't have it in me to sit and write. I've found a predictable cycle emerging at each stage of this 'journey' (I sound like Kubler-Ross!): it starts with anxiously awaiting news (which, let's face it, has mostly been negative), then feeling overwhelmed and upset on hearing it, then, sometimes feeling angry, then accepting and moving on to face whatever comes next. Today I'm still in the angry phase but see the passage through to the next level. The fear underlying much of this has mostly been pushed beneath the surface; I'm sure it will raise it's ugly head somewhere down the track, though I'm determined once I'm out the other end I will not make this experience and fear of recurrence the focus of my life. What a waste that would be.

Yesterday was my appointment with Dr Elisabeth, the surgeon. Robbie and I entered her calm rooms in the City and she greeted us very warmly. When seated in her office she told us the results of the pathology from the surgery which was that there was indeed a 1cm invasive carcinoma in the tissue, surrounded by ductal carcinoma in situ - considered a 'pre cancer', which is what I was first diagnosed with in 2010. The carcinoma was of moderate to high grade which means it had been growing relatively quickly, but was stopped in its tracks by the chemo (though unbelievably, given the nature of those toxins, not killed off entirely).

It took some time for Rob and I to absorb the news and to ask Elisabeth our questions, which she answered fully. I think Rob was more shocked than me about the results; I always had a feeling that there might be something lurking in and around the implant to the extent that I had asked for further surgical investigation in December, only to be brushed off by my then surgeon. Today he received a letter which spelt out in no uncertain terms what I think about the miscalculations in his clinical management of my case. That's one way to let off some steam!

The positive news, and the reasons I'm grateful for these results are:
1) that the tissue and possible carcinoma were detected by radio-oncologist Rowena in the first place;
2) that Elisabeth was quickly able to operate and remove all the tissue containing the cancer so that it could not cause any further harm;
3) it resolves the mystery of the nodal involvement;
4) that I will now be able to move on to radiotherapy confident that I will be having the right dose after the right diagnosis.

Elisabeth has been consulting with the other specialists in my care team so all are fully aware of what's going on. Rowena called me yesterday to reassure me that by the start of spring I'll be leaping back into life.

I will be seeing Rachel the oncologist next week to get her opinion on whether there are further steps I should take on the chemo front to take in light of these results. God I hope not!

I've had a very quiet day today. I woke with a mantra: rest and restore, and that's just what I've done. A highlight was a visit from Nat this afternoon, who arrived with a lovely gift, and a long chat with Betty. Otherwise I've just taken it very slowly while I process the latest news and prepare to get on with things. Angus is out tonight at his school disco, so James, Robbie and I are watching Love&Mercy - a great movie about Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys that I watched on a plane but the boys haven't seen. It holds up to a second viewing.

Today I'm wearing today a bangle I got a very long time ago - in 1995 - when I was in New York for Christmas. I love it's simplicity and clasp. It's one of those old friends whose travelled around with me for 22 years. Those dates shock me now; in some ways it feels like yesterday.

Day 154: Surgery Land Recovery - Paris One of 50 bangle

Today I woke very early - 4am; I found it hard to get back to sleep, but once I did, I found it hard to wake up! I took advantage of the quiet and slept in while Rob and James (who is already on holidays) did the school run with Angus and took Molly on her long morning walk.

I was up in time to greet Deb and Lizzie who came over for a cream tea with Robbie's delicious fresh scones, yum! It was so nice to catch up with them both and to get an update on what's happening in their worlds. Lizzie came laden with more beautiful gifts - this time a gorgeous shower bag from Utopia Goods. I've never seen the brand before but am loving the Australian motifs and wonderful linen fabrics.

I was wearing Lizzie's infinity peal earrings today (Day 118) as well as a bangle that I bought in 2011 with Deb in the Marais district in Paris at a fabulous Spanish shop called Uno de 50  When I wear it I always think of the fun time Deb and I had there, when we were staying with Fiona and Georgie, with Lizzie just around the corner near Republique and Trevor and Lye across the Seine in St Germain des Pres. We agreed today we need to go back for another visit - soon!


Jamie and I enjoyed another afternoon stroll in the park which was bathed in the glow of a beautiful winter light. James is on cooking duty tonight - dumplings in broth - which look delicious. The sunshine, a drug free day, good friends and food made for a happy day.

Day 153: Surgeryland Recovery: Black Dinosaur Design Bangles

Robbie and the boys gave me these bangles about seven or eight Christmases ago, and I've barely taken them off since. Both these bangles have cracked and have been mended on several occasions, but I continue to wear and feel very attached to them, even more because of their imperfections. They are two pieces of the dinosaur design bangle collection I've accrued over the years, but as any fan of that brand knows, you can never have too many of these, or indeed any other DD items! The organic shapes and wonderful colours are so attractive. My collection pales into insignificance in colour and size compared to that of Natalie Galea and Suzie Crogan who both go for the bright punchy colours, where I tend towards to more muted and pastel end. I love giving DD pieces as gifts, which I've done over the years with Pauline, Deb, Fiona and Georgie, Bryan, Lindsey, Cazy and others.

Today has been a mixed day - another restless night meant I woke tired and sore and feeling very sorry for myself. I had a quiet morning, then sat in the sun and read this afternoon. It's the first time I've attempted a novel in many months and enjoyed the process probably even more than the book. It makes me realise that both my eyes have stopped watering enough to read and that I'm regaining enough concentration to follow a plot line... I'm feeling very grateful for reaching this turning point - while I've enjoyed podcasts I've missed the world of written stories.

Robbie has been very kind and solicitous and the boys have been divine. Angus and I enjoyed a couple of hours at the table this afternoon plotting out his next 'stop motion' lego film, then James and I took Molly for her afternoon walk. I was pleased to get some fresh air and to make it around the park and back without a break - another sign that I'm getting stronger, even if I don't feel it.

We're enjoying a quiet night at home before the new week begins.

Day 152: Surgeryland Recovery: Paulie and Geets Wrap Bracelet

This morning I received another gorgeous bouquet of lilies and roses, this time from Lisa and her son Julian. They look absolutely gorgeous and smell even better. I'm so spoilt and really am fortunate to have so many thoughtful friends!

I awoke this morning feeling much brighter than I did yesterday, which was a bit of a low day. I guess all the drugs and emotional turmoil and physical pain has to catch up from time to time. Today enjoyed a sleep in and breakfast in bed including a delicious fresh juice made and delivered by Robbie, before I had my one outing of the day, a trip to the supermarket. We invited Paulie, Geeta and Jai for dinner tonight, so it was nice to shop with a purpose. As I write this, the lamb has been in the oven for 7 hours so far and is looking delicious and the bread and butter pudding is ready to go.




Paulie and Geets arrived with more beautiful roses - I have now officially run out of vases! Jai is so adorable and seeing him play with his big cousins fills me with happiness. We had a lovely night catching up on each other's lives.











Aside from some cooking - which I've enjoyed doing while listening to podcasts including two fun ones from Leigh Sales and Annabel Crab - I had a peaceful afternoon rest. My chest is still tight and sore, especially when lying or bending down or sneezing  - oh my lord that hurts!

In honour of Paulie and Geets visit I'm wearing a lovely wrist wrap they gave me as a birthday gift a few years ago. I wear it often and love its sparkles. I'm also wearing today a new pair of earrings that arrived while I was in hospital from the wonderful Hilary Charlesworth who lives in Melbourne. Hilary is someone I hugely admire - she is a internationally renowned legal scholar with a piercing intelligence, and always carries herself with such grace, kindness and good humour. I was incredibly touched to receive her gift of earrings with filigree cut outs of the tree of life, which are so appropriate.

Day 152: Surgeryland recovery: Mum's florentine gold bracelet

Oh gosh, the magnificent flowers keep coming, making me feel very loved and cared for. This morning gorgeous neighbour Katie arrived with these pretty pink lilies which I hope to be able to grow, though knowing my lack of green thumbs, I'm not sure how successful I will be. This afternoon another stunning bunch arrived from my School at UNSW, reminding me of the generosity and thoughtfulness of my colleagues.








The flowers couldn't have been better timed to cheer me up. Throughout all these months of being largely in isolation I've managed not to feel too disappointed about missing fun times and celebrations out in the big wide world, but today is different. Today I've missed out on two important events. The first was a ceremony at UNSW to award an honorary doctorate to good friend, Jennifer Westacott, for her important contributions to policy in the areas of business, social housing and mental health. I fully expected to be on track to attend the ceremony, and to celebrate Jennifer's significant achievements, but frustratingly had to decline given the surgery. I was happy Deb sent me this photo of her with our fabulous colleague Jan Breckenridge who donned their robes to attend the conferral of Jennifer's doctorate. It sounds like Jennifer gave a terrific address to the graduates.

Also scratched off my calendar was a dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate darling Katie's 50th birthday with friends from the Erko community. Robbie baked a cake this morning to have with our morning tea with Katie, which was a nice substitute, but I'm still very disappointed not to be able to go and join the fun for my dear friend who has kept such a close eye on me over the past months.

Today to help me feel better I'm wearing Mum's gold bracelet, which she gave me just before she died. This is very special to me as we bought it together on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence on at trip she and I took to Italy in 1992. She wore it often, and makes me feel very close to her.
This photo of Mum perusing the gold shops on the Ponte was taken when we were back in Florence together in 2011, but was very close to where we bought the bracelet. She bought gold earrings this time, which she gave to our darling Lucy when she ill.

I'm still feeling very happy to be home. Last night I was very restless trying to get settled; the discomfort with this surgery comes from the pec muscle spasms which are worse when laying down, but once you're down, no matter how many pillows, it's a struggle to get up again! I'm taking some anti-spasm medication, used for epilepsy apparently, which is taking the edge off. I'm also still on very strong antibiotics  which are making me queasy. Just one more day to go on these, thank goodness.

Day 151: Surgeryland V to home wearing Andy's Happy Bangles

Home again, home again jiggity jig!

Dr Elisabeth came to see me at 7am with the good news that the fluid level was low enough to allow me home. I had to wait around for a few hours for the drain to be released and to rest after its removal, but I then enjoyed a long shower and at 11am I skipped out of my room on Robbie's arm. Cazy joined us for a celebratory coffee before I got in the car and headed home.










It was so lovely to get back to a sparkling clean house - thanks to the hard work of Rob and the boys - and to my own comfy bed. After a lunch of Cazy's delicious cauliflower soup, Robbie and I watched some TV before I fell into a deep afternoon sleep. I awoke to James bouncing in from school, followed by Angus from his coding class and to the arrival of this beautiful purple bouquet from Aunty Eilee and the Kelly gang. They join the other gorgeous bunch of tulips and hyacinths that Kate and Betty sent yesterday. The house smells divine.

Today I'm wearing what I call my happy bangles - a gift from Andy from South Africa, made by hand from tiny colourful beads. They added some more brightness to my already very happy day!

Day 150: Surgeryland IV Pauline's green and gold bangle

I awoke this morning from the soundest sleep yet. Nurse Michelle only woke me once in the night and at 5am for meds and obs, but otherwise I was in a deep slumber which surely must be good for healing and recovery. I have a very sore pec muscle, especially after lying down for a long time, and my hand and wrist are still sore after the digging around with the cruel cannula on Sunday, but otherwise the pain is well under control.

I had an easy morning, getting up to have a shower around 8am when they came to make my bed - there are some treats in hospital. Shortly after  Dr Elisabeth arrived followed quickly by Robbie. Elisabeth checked the wound and the drains, explaining that the body makes more fluid to heal and seal wounds; a decrease in the amount of fluid reflects a decrease in the size of the wound. Mine is obviously decreasing, just not quite enough to be able to remove the drain yet, so I'm having another day here.  I'm missing being home with my boys, but I'm relaxed and making the most of the quiet here. I'm so grateful for Dr Elisabeth, she's so calm and a great communicator.

Lovely Maddie came for a visit this morning. Robbie and I slipped out for a short walk and coffee across the road and came back to find her here. It was so nice to see her, another bonus of being in hospital. After lunch Robbie left me and I had a relaxing afternoon sleep, before coming back with the boys for dinner - the highlight of my day. They loved playing with my bed, and we all had a good laugh.



Today I'm wearing a bangle Pauline gave me as a Christmas gift when we were at hers and John's house in France about 5 years ago. I received this pretty green one, while Glasgow friend Laura received an orange one. I love the colour combination, and it brings back such happy memories of our Christmas that year.

Day 149: Surgeryland III Tiffany silver bangle

Keeping company with the many pairs of earrings Robbie and the boys have purchased for me over the years are other special pieces of jewellery. One of these is a simple Tiffany silver bangle, part of the '1837 collection'; I have the earrings and necklace too, of course. I wear this bangle almost every day, and love its simplicity and ovoid shape. It made me feel like I was getting back to my old self after I slipped it on (gingerly, over my buzzing thumb nails) this morning.

Despite missing being at home with Rob and the boys, I had a relatively good night last night, with periods of proper sleep, leaving me brighter today than I have been on previous days. I woke early this morning and after my breakfast enjoyed a long soak in the shower. It's incredible how restorative and cleansing a simple shower is when you're feeling under the weather.

The morning included some poking and prodding around the drip and drains (I should become a plumber!) then a visit from Maree the breast care nurse. She seems lovely, although I gulped as she passed me a pink bag stuffed full of the latest breast cancer information. Lindy arrived following shortly by Robbie (fresh washing in hand) in time for morning tea, and before Dr Elisabeth did her rounds. Elisabeth thinks the drainage is still probably too much to send me home tomorrow, so it may be Thursday before I leave. I'm not stressing about leaving -  I'd rather make sure everything is done correctly the first time rather than get home then have to turn around and come back to hospital with an infection or complication - I've had enough of that. I had the drip removed and the port 'de-accessed' this afternoon so I'm not as tangled up in tubes as I was. It was a relief to get it out.

Lindy and I tried to get a good selfie together before she left, but looked ridiculous in every one of them. At least we had a good laugh. But she did capture a good one of Robbie and I. I'm looking forward to my hair being longer than his soon.

Darling Cazy arrived with gifts, including eyelash/brow elixir - I hope it works quickly! Annie, Jeff and Cal who were visiting RNS for their own ongoing investigations came in for a quick hello. It was lovely to see them, albeit so briefly and under less than ideal circumstances. Robbie left to take the Ridley's to the airport and Cazy to do the school run. I had a rest then dear Deb arrived for a visit; it was wonderful to see her and have another catch up after her trip to NYC.

I enjoyed watching the pink sunset from my window at the end of the day.

I ate dinner at nursing home hour and before my lovely brother-in-law Benny arrived to see me. We agreed we never have enough time to talk, and its ironic it takes a trip to hospital to catch up. It was great to see both Ben and Cazy today before they leave for their Italian holiday on the weekend.

With these visits and a couple of phone calls with Steph and with Lisa, it turned out to be a very busy day, and tiring in its way... so I didn't fight off the evening morphine which makes me feel very relaxed...

Day 148: Surgeryland II - Lindy, Chris, Paul and Geeta's Pearl Bracelet

It was a peaceful day in Surgeryland today, one where I was able to catch my breath after a traumatic weekend. Last night I slept lightly, as if I was on a long haul flight, constantly waiting for the next interruption - in this case for the nurses to come in to take my blood pressure or give me more meds. Thankfully the port drip is working perfectly so I didn't need any painful injections. I was awake early which was a good thing as Dr Elisabeth does her rounds at 7am. (I'm still itching to follow these surgeons around to understand 'a day in the life'). She was pleased with how things were going so approved the removal of one of the drains. These procedures always sound worse than they are. In the hands of Nurse Cindy, it was quick and an almost painless maneuver; I was happy to have it out, another step closer to recovery and going home. Hopefully the other drain will be out tomorrow, along with the IV drip so I can get around without twisting myself into a tangle of cords which I've done all day today. Based on this trajectory, it looks like I'll be home on Wednesday.

Robbie arrived this morning to keep me company, followed shortly after by Paulie and Geeta and Maddie's dear Mum Joan, who was so thoughtful to make the trip down from Clareville. It was lovely to see them all, even though I'm not sure I was making much sense. At lunchtime darling Lindy arrived from Newcastle with some delicious homemade slice in hand; they are two of Mum's standards, which made her feel very close. Robbie dashed off for a busy afternoon of activities with the boys - it's never ending for him -  and Lindy headed over to see Cazy and the clan. I lay back and had a restful afternoon nap, followed by a spin around the ward in an effort to get everything moving, including all the fluid which has built up again.

Tonight Lindy and Cazy came back for an evening visit, helping to distract me from missing home too much. We had some special sister time, and I got a foot massage from Cazy to boot. I'm so lucky to have my family at my side.  Believe it or not, we all bought our glasses independently!














Today's bracelet is one given to me by Lindy, Chris, Paulie and Geets for a birthday in 2009 - a lovely Thomas Sabo pearl charm bracelet, complete with silver love heart and black handbag charms. I remember the occasion well as we were all staying on Milson Island for Christmas, and I was feeling miserable as I'd just had the news that I'd need surgery to remove DCIS that was first identified in my breast tissue. The birthday celebrations and this lovely gift were a tonic, just as being cared for by my lovely siblings is now. It was a lucky coincidence I had packed this one for hospital, and that the four bracelet gift givers all came to visit on the same day (well Chrispy was here in spirit!). Meanwhile, the lucky seed peal earrings remain firmly in place and will not be removed til I'm home safe and sound!

Day 147: Surgeryland bracelet

Welcome to Surgeryland! I arrived here at the very comfortable Royal North Shore Private Hospital on Friday. It's now Sunday afternoon. It's all blurred into one...I expect to be here til Tuesday. 

According to plan, I had surgery on Friday morning to remove the tissue identified by Dr Rowena (apparently there was quite a bit left; I will be having some cross words with Dr Dave!), to remove my old implant and the insertion of a fluid expander - a temporary implant - put in to keep my skin expanded throughout the time of of my radiotherapy. Two drains were also inserted; these are the reason I need to stay in hospital for so long. 
  

Dr Elisabeth, who I like very much and who has been so sympathetic to my plight, did the 3 hour surgery along with Dr Lindsay, a quirky, cheeky anaesthetist. I came out of recovery without much pain, and got back to the ward late afternoon to be greeted and cared for by Robbie. 

On Saturday morning I felt I was making good progress getting back on my feet until Dr Elizabeth did her rounds and discovered that there had been a leak in the expander - with all the expander fluid having run into the drain. Noooooo! So ... NOT according to plan, I ended back in surgery with Elizabeth and Lindsey yesterday afternoon for a second operation to remove the faulty expander and have a fresh one put in. It was much quicker procedure thank goodness, and I was back on the ward late afternoon.

All of this I found rather distressing, to say the least. I'm so sick of things not going to plan and the idea of another anaesthetic and being cut open two days in a row made me upset. I also knew it would be really hard on Robbie who has had to put up with so much emotional stress recently. But as usual he was a tower of strength, keeping me calm before the surgery and ready and waiting to hold my hand at the end. It was lovely to also have a brief visit from Cazy before I went into surgery, and a chat with Dad and Lindy. Dear Paulie and Geeta were keeping Angus entertained while Jamie was keen to look after himself.

I had a rather disrupted night, thanks to a difficult and distressed neighbour who was giving the nurses grief. (I don't know how they cope, they certainly don't get paid enough to put up with all that goes with their job). I was largely pain-free, thanks to Dr Lindsey slipping some extra morphine into my drip after he saw me on the ward yesterday evening - the nurses were not impressed! I've been feeling quite bright today - the drainage loss is normal; fingers crossed, we are back on track, and no anaesthetic for me today. 

I blame this problem partly on the fact that the nurses made me remove my good luck seed pearl earrings (Day 41) before Friday's surgery. Yesterday I insisted they stay in and things seem to have gone much more smoothly! 

I've decided while I'm in Surgeryland and recovery mode, I'll feature my bangle and bracelet collection starting with the obvious: the bracelet generously given to me when I entered hospital. I got an attractive red one as a reminder to the staff I'm allergic to a particular antibiotic.

Robbie and the boys came for a lunch time visit today. James was very taken with the fold out chair while Angus had fun moving my bed up and down. The boys then took themselves home on the train - which was very grown up of them - so Rob could stay and give me a refreshing shower and keep me company for the afternoon.

We had a relaxing afternoon with the sun pouring into the room - it really is a pleasant place. Robbie took me for a spin around the ward to get my legs moving. I'm retaining fluid again. Maddie popped in to drop off dinner and treats she and Marcella made for me and for the boys - she's an absolute wonder.  

Just as I was settling in to my evening I had a cannula malfunction, which is necessary for my IV antibiotics (essential given my chemo suppressed system). Holy shit! It's the most painful thing of my hospital stay by far. Seriously, when will someone invent something that will replace those torturous things. We can send probes to Mars, surely we can find a pain-free way to access veins.  There was some discussion between the nurses about re-cannulating me, but I begged them not to. Instead I asked them to try and find a nurse who could access the port. Thankfully, there was a nurse available on the oncology ward upstairs who was willing and able to put it in - as she did I had Mum's words ringing in my ears "I love my port"! The IV fluid is now happily dripping away with absolutely no pain.

I'm now nestled in for the night - I've just taken more morphine based pain relief so I expect to get floaty very soon, and hopefully sleep a bit better than last night and experience another day merging into the next.

Day 137: The end of the earring journey...and next steps...

What an incredible 137 days this has been - I've learnt so many lessons and have so many things to be grateful for.

I've learnt a lot about myself - that I have more grit and perseverance than I ever knew I had and, importantly, that I can 'live in the day'. I also know to achieve this I've locked away lots of emotions that are sure to percolate up and out once this whole experience is over, but it's helped not to focus on these feelings now and just get on with things. Day by day, step by step...

I've also learnt so much about the people around me in the golden web. I always knew I'd married an incredible person in Robbie, but his endless love, care, tenderness and attention towards me, and the boys, is above and beyond anything I could have imagined. He has created a such a sure and solid foundation for me throughout these months, making the journey bearable, even in the darkest days. I truly don't know how I would have got through it without him. James and Angus too have been amazing: funny, patient, well behaved, sensitive to my needs - I could not have asked for more.

My wonderful family - Dad and Margie, Lindy, Cazy, Paulie and Geets and Ree have been always been my back, proving endless comfort and practical support. This experience has brought an already tight bunch of siblings even closer. Darling Betty and Kerrie, Jeff and Annie have also sustained me with their care and concern. Aunties Napier and Chappell have been wonderfully supportive.


Mum has been with me throughout; I've felt her presence every single day. Wearing her earrings and those she gave me as gifts has helped to keep her very close. I've also drawn on her experiences and learnt from the dignity she showed during her difficult treatment. The lesson is that although Mum's dead (don't use euphemisms for death she always said), she remains a constant guiding force in my life.

A undeniable lesson of this journey is how blessed I am by all the precious friends in the golden web. It's not often in life one has the privilege of feeling the full force of so many friendships at once. Significant birthdays, weddings, and other events can bring some of one's own golden web together; but this experience is different. Through messages of love and support, food, flowers, jigsaw puzzles, gifts, I've been connected to all the people in my tribe over what has become a significant amount of time. This has sustained me in ways that I could never have imagined. I've learnt that little gestures count just as much as big ones, and constancy is the key. I know that for some people who go through difficult times, they often feel people around them pull away, finding it all too much. I've had the opposite experience - people have come towards me - not only close friends, but colleagues, neighbours and others I didn't know so well. This tells me much about the qualities and values of my family, friends and colleagues, and is something for which I'll be forever grateful.

I've learnt seemingly insignificant things have value and that the taken-for-granted is important. I suppose the focus on my earring collection, which I used not to think much about, signifies this; as my collection shows I have earrings made of precious jewels and cheap pieces of plastic, but all of them have equal value because they link me to people and to experiences that are central to my life. Reliving these memories, scouring the photos, writing the blog have bought me a little bit of cheer every day. Looking at the overflowing jewellry box, and thinking of that sense of achievement I felt every night as I deposited a new pair of earrings, I am overwhelmed with emotion about all those people and experiences that each pair represents.


I've learnt not to stress about work (at least not quite so much) - but that having some work to when you're feeling miserable is also a great distraction and allows you to still feel part of a larger world. I've also learnt I love doing jigsaws.

I began the blog by committing myself to focus on gratitude. This has been important to my emotional survival during my trip to Chemoworld. Shifting my focus from what's wrong to what's good - to all the ways I'm privileged - have kept things in perspective. At a time when 'mere anarchy [has been] loosed upon the world' I've been kept safe in the hands of my family, friends and medical care that is second to none.

...And gratitude for that medical care continues and is now sending my journey off into a new and unexpected direction. Two weeks ago, Dr Rowena the radio-oncologist didn't like something on the imaging she did in preparation for my radiotherapy, (something dismissed by four other sets of eyes last December) so she sent me for a biospy. The biospy results shows there is some residual breast tissue from my surgery 7 years ago, which contains some 'pre cancer' cells. Dr Rowena, Dr Rachel and as of today Dr Elizabeth - my new super skilled surgeon - all agree that this tissue needs to come out before I start radiotherapy. So instead of heading of for radiation, I'm back to the operating theatre next Friday 16 June, for another procedure - the fifth on this breast since 2010! I'll have four weeks to recover before the radiotherapy starts, but I will do so knowing that these women and Dr Kath are not letting anything get past them, and providing me with the most professional, swift and complete care imaginable. Gratitude!

And speaking of gratitude I've made my A-Z list of gratitude during the Earring journey:

Amazing Angus; Anti-nausea tablets

Blog; Bed; Beautician Aoife; Bamboo headwear; Baked treats; Bach; Baths 

Coconut oil; generous Colleagues; Chris the Cleaner; Colour in books; Cranberry juice; Cauliflower soup 

Doctors: Kath, Rachel, Rowena, Elizabeth and Dave (who I've abandoned but without his initial treatment I'd be in a much worse position); Dentist Dave; Docetaxel (the bitch) - disgusting but effective; 

Earrings; Email; Eyelashes and brows - what's left, that is; 

incredible Family; precious Friends; Flowers; FEC (the Red Devil) (see Docetaxel); Fresh food

thoughtful Gifts; Ginger 

Humour; Honey & eucalyptus drops that keep my mouth fresh

Ice blocks; Internet shopping for a pick me up

gentle James; Jigsaws; fresh Juice; Jelly 

Kinghorn Centre nurses

Love from near and far;

Memories of Mum; Molly; Moisturisers; 

Neighbours; Nails hanging in there, just; Nail polish;

Oil (Argan and Rose hip), courtesy of Ree and Vicky; Orsi the Lymphodema specialist

Portacath; Panadol; Podcasts; Photos 

Quiet and peace at home

the incomparable Robert; Radio, especially late at night 

Sunshine; Sydney park; School support for the boys; Steroids (see Docetaxel)

Tea; TV for binge watching; Telephone 

UNSW support

Vietnamese food

Watermelon 

X-rays and scans though I hate having them done

Yoghurt

Zzzzzs, when I can catch them

I'm going to take a break from blogging for a few days, to catch my breath and prepare for next steps. I'll be back, perhaps with necklaces, or bangles, next week to take a detour across to Surgeryland.