Day 97: Agate colums

Day 97 and I've been feeling a little brighter today. A morning walk in the sunshine with Rob, Angus and Molly was enjoyable, then home for a relaxing bath and a nap. James and Rob were out this afternoon so Angus and I did some baking - chocolate brownies for him to take to school - then he attempted to teach me one of his video games. I'm not sure if it's my blurry eyes or general lack of skill - but I didn't do very well! He and I then took Molly for her evening walk, which tired me out. I've managed to make some progress with the van Gogh puzzle, which I'm enjoying immensely. I love seeing close up how these talented artists use colour - adding dots and splashes of the most unlikely colours to bring out light and shade.

Today I'm wearing a pair of earrings Rob bought me from a jeweller he came across near his old work place - Studio Elke. He's purchased many items for me there, some of which are absolute favourites, especially the 'ring of totality' which is made from two silver bands and small balls of marble.  These earrings he bought online and they are bigger than he expected, and than I usually wear - and a little off my usual colour palate. I've got them tucked away for one of those occasions where a statement piece is required! They look a little odd right now against my bald scalp and no hair to soften them, but were fun to wear nonetheless.

Getting ready for a new week ahead, filled with a few work and medical appointments and some friendly catchups to look forward to.

Day 96: Meg's Pink Squares

Pop! I needed a splash of colour today so chose the fabulous candy pink resin squares Meg (Days 52 & 66) sent me recently. They're a happy colour - my favourite - and brightened up my mood, just as Meg intended I'm sure.

I woke feeling miserable this morning. I'm completely sick of myself: my dry, claggy mouth; puffy watery eyes; blotchy skin; sore nails; scratchy voice; achy limbs; tiredness and lack of concentration. It feels like this treatment has taken forever and will never end. Robbie, sympathetic and supportive as ever, thought hard about how he could buck me me and did what only a very good man would do - cajoled me out of bed and took me shopping. Having had an entire year off buying any new clothes last year, and barely gone near a shop this year, it was a treat. The traffic was ridiculously heavy getting there, but my foray was fun and productive - a nice new jumper, top and warm jacket. Retail therapy worked!

After coming home for some lunch, Rob and I had a nice walk in the sun, then home for an afternoon snooze on the couch.

To keep my buoyed, Rob made roast lamb for dinner. Yum! I'm making progress with my new puzzle too. I really shouldn't complain, I'm a spoilt woman.

Day 95: Philadelphia circles and blue drops

O'Keefe, Peach and Glass

My earrings today are another 'celebration' pair. I bought them in 2003 at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. The Museum has the most incredible collection, including a number of wonderful Georgia O'Keefe's, which I adore; clearly, it has a great shop too!


I was in town to collect an award for the best book in women and politics from the American Political Science Association for my first book Gendering Government. Rob and James came with me to the award ceremony; it was James' first overseas trip at 6 months old, he was such a terrific little traveller; the trip was made more memorable for feeding him solids for the first time.  

The award came completely out of the blue - I didn't even know that the publisher had submitted it for consideration. When I received the notification, I thought it was a prank by one of my colleagues as the message arrived on the same day as I'd had an interview for promotion, so I thought someone was having fun with me. I was stunned when I realised it was the real deal; it was a great honour and one that has profoundly shaped my career. It gave me entree into a wonderful community of US feminist political scientists - I remember Karen Beckwith, Mary Katzenstein and Lee Ann Banaszack being especially welcoming to me at that particular conference - and it bought attention to my work that eventually enabled me to link up with Georgina Waylen and Fiona Mackay and all my other friend/colleagues in the golden web.

The foundations of that first book led me onto my next big project on the ICC which culminated in The Politics of Gender Justice at the International Criminal Court; both books were the product of hard work and the inspiration of many people. One of those people was a most wonderful teacher that anyone could wish for, Marg Walsh. Marg was my English teacher in my last years in High School and someone I - and indeed the Chappell clan - was fortunate to reconnect with over the past decade or so. 

Ree with Marg and Mum, both just finished chemo

It was not just in her subject matter that Marg was inspirational, but also in the way she went about the world. Marg had great compassion, a vehement sense of social justice, an intellectual inquisitiveness, a strong faith and a wicked sense of humour. Trying to finish the ICC book was hard going as it coincided with Mum's illness and final days, as well as a crushing cancer diagnosis for Marg, but despite her condition she was always there egging me on to get it done: "Don't tickle it to death, darling girl" she'd say - it's a wonderful phrase that I have adopted - I find it very useful with PhD students!

Me and Marg: I

I was so happy to have been able to publicly thank Marg for her influence at the launch of my ICC book in November 2015. She was, along with Mum and Helen (Day 50), one of the three wise women I dedicated the book to. Although Marg was terminally ill at the time, she died in February 2016 - she and her darling Kev travelled from Canberra for the launch; it was exhausting for her but it was so special for us both that she was there. The day after I'd sent her a photo of us together, she replied with her usual wit:  I’m so past my use by date and I don’t like that top and jacket any more but, was I HAPPY!

Me and Marg:II

Marg's darling husband Kev and I still keep in touch. He called me earlier this week to check up on me and this morning I received a letter from him reminding me that Marg's still very close. He enclosed this photo from the launch, which is the twin to the one I had, both showing how happy we were to be together that night. 

I miss Marg terribly and have been thinking of her often during this treatment, knowing she went through an even more brutal regime with barely a whimper. Yoga was her tonic - something I plan to get into once this is all over. I have kept her wonderful emails to remind me of her wisdom and courage, and look at these often. They include gems this:
We are more complete human beings for having known suffering and for having had the opportunity to understand that suffering can expand the heart, depth the love, unveil to us the deep truths of who and what really matters to us in life. 




Marg and Kev have raised two incredible sons, Dan now living in the US and Simon a forensic expert in the senior ranks of the Australian Federal Police, who do them both so proud, and together have produced 5 gorgeous grandchildren.


Day 95 and the weather has been as close to perfect as it can get for me: sunny but with a hint of coolness. I started with more energy today so I was able to join Rob and Molly for a gentle morning walk in the sparkling sunshine. We then caught up briefly with our dear friend Bretty, who runs a art gallery that has relocated just around the corner. I wasn't able to say much - I smiled and nodded where necessary, but there is a slight improvement in my voice today. Dr Rachel emailed me to say this is definitely a chemo side effect, and should improve as my immunity lifts, and not to worry about any permanent damage. I was exhausted when I got home and had a sleep this afternoon before the boys got home... ready for another weekend. 

Day 94: Maddie's Glass Ginger Drops (on loan)

Today I'm wearing a pair of earrings that don't belong to me but are a gift I bought for my dear friend Maddie (Day 21) back in the early 1990s. In fact, I think it was 1991 as I remember buying them in the city on my way home from work in the NSW Cabinet Office. Maddie and I had both recently moved to Sydney - she was living with her sister Felicity in Woollahara, and me across town in Glebe - and both struggling to find out feet in the big city. They are very of their time. I bought myself a similar bluish/green pair that I used to wear all the time but have been lost along the way. Maddie pulled these out recently and kindly loaned them to me - as a sign of our longstanding friendship (which goes back to 1973) and of her solidarity with me through this journey. It was a lovely gesture, and it has been comforting wearing them today.

Maddie, me and baby James, 2003 (Photo by Miss V) 

I selected these this morning as Maddie and I had planned an afternoon catch up. I was really looking forward to it as I hadn't seen her for weeks, but sadly I had to postpone because I've completely lost my voice and had to see a doctor. A quick whispered conversation with my nurse co-ordinator this morning confirmed that hoarseness and voice issues can be side effect of docetaxel, but to be doubly sure it wasn't an infection, she asked me to have a check up with a GP. I couldn't get over to see Dr Kath, but got in to a local Dr who confirmed there was no sign of an infection but a likely side effect of the chemo. Like everything else, I now have to sit this one out too. This treatment is so random; I never know where or when it will hit next, or for how long.

Day 94 and I've been very tired today, so stayed in bed until lunch time, and was treated to wonderful service from Robbie. I'm thinking I now might need to buy a little bell to call for my next cup of tea - ha, ha!😉

Day 93: Sarah's flower studs

Sarah on my left at gender & intl law workshop, 2016

Yesterday I received a thoughtful message from my dear colleague Sarah Williams in the Law Faculty at UNSW, cheering me on. Her Mum and I have been on a similar regime, with her Mum slightly ahead of me, so she knows what I've been going through and has been so sympathetic and encouraging. I had the chance to see Sarah a few weeks ago when she gave me these pretty studs, chosen by her delightful daughters Isabel and Lucy. I've really enjoyed wearing them today, and am lucky to be able add them to my growing stud collection. Sarah is part of the UNSW branch of the golden web - she's a world-leading expert in international criminal law and has done important work in a range of areas, including the Cambodian war crimes tribunal addressing the atrocities arising from the Khmer Rouge regime, which she's focussed on as part of our joint project with Andy on transformative reparations for victims of conflict related sexual violence. Despite its often depressing and gruesome subject matter, it's been so great to work with Sarah on this project - her sparkling legal mind always catches dimensions of issues that completely pass me by. It was also a pleasure to co-supervise Rose's PhD with her.

I also decided these were the perfect earrings for today because I was catching up with Rose (Day 18) this morning on a visit from Melbourne. It was wonderful spending time with Rose - we dissected the new/final season of Girls, discussed her many exciting current projects and travel plans, and plotted some new schemes that we hope to work on together. Rose brought me a delicious a black star bakery special, an orange and persian fig cake. It was divine with an afternoon cup of tea. Clearly my appetite is one thing that has not been destroyed by the chemo, as my waistline attests!



I was again spoilt today with the arrival of another gift - a bottle of my favourite perfume from darling Lisa (Day 10). Who doesn't get a kick from a perfectly wrapped Jo Malone gift! Lisa tells me she can't purchase these products in Adelaide (I'm keeping my comments to myself here about what this suggests about that so-called city!) but she bought it for me on her recent trip to Melbourne. It's typical of Lisa to be so thoughtful. I'm feeling very loved.

This afternoon I received a surprise visit from an old friend, Jason, part of the Nosh crew, who came by to say hello. It was lovely to see him and hear all his news.

The boys were back at school today so Rob got them back into the swing of their routine this morning, then I joined him for a walk around the park. It was a perfect morning, but it's turned very cool tonight. The first chill we've received this year and maybe a sign that winter is almost here. I won't be sorry after all the heat.

Day 93 and the stabbing pains are subsiding now, and aside from fatigue, my mouth issues, and a strange croaky throat, I'm starting to feel much brighter; I'm looking forward to some pain free days ahead...with my new puzzle. Maria has been packed away for another day when I have more patiences, better eyesight and some jigsaw-istas to work with me!

Day 92: Betty's Delft Blue Bulbs

Today I'm wearing a pair of pretty blue and white earrings that look like Delftware. They were a recent gift from my lovely mother-in -law Betty (Day 5), which she gave me on her recent fleeting visit through Sydney. I chose them today after enjoying our overdue phone conversation last night. Betty had just finished the Keukenhof Garden jigsaw that I'd passed on to her. I was relieved to know she found some of it challenging too. After this conversation and the fact I'm about to stop struggling with the jigsaw of one Dutch master, Vemeer, and start with another, van Gogh my earring choice seemed obvious.

I had a quiet start to my day with the boys away camping. Natalie (Day 12) came over around 9am to walk Molly with me. Molly adores Nat (I think the feeling is mutual!), she cries with excitement when Nat arrives and follows her around when she's here. They've bonded during the times Nat has generously come to stay when we've been away; its so sweet to see the connection, and how Molly has such an acute memory and affection for this kind person who has taken care of her.

Nat and I strolled to the park and sat in the gorgeous Anzac Day sunshine while Molly played with friends. We caught up on lots of issues including internecine AOC politics which I'm finding riveting and depressing (anything involving Mark Arbib and Graham Richardson and an array of other bullies has got to end badly), and which Nat knows lots about because of her Olympic and Judo affiliations. Of course we also discussed her PhD progress...in the final throes of the thesis, as Nat is, it never feels like the process will end, but I've promised her in a few months time it will seem like a blur, and she'll be free to get on with all the exciting opportunities that lay ahead. I'll be waiting at the finish line with a bottle of French champagne and some gluten free treats!

I got home just in time to bake a batch of non-GF Anzac biscuits - using Betty's recipe of course, which makes them crunchy and chewy at the same time - before Cazy and Gracie came to visit, bearing treats and some gorgeous Aveda products for me.  We had a nice morning tea before the boys rocked in smelling of that distinctive mix of camp fire and sausages! They're happy and tired after their trip away, their only complaint being that they couldn't stay longer.

After a busy morning I retired for an afternoon rest and a few more eps. of Girls which is a show that entertains and disturbs me in equal measure.

This afternoon, another gorgeous gift arrived on my doorstep - from my generous PhD student and Emily and colleague Paula. While they were together for Easter, they purchased for me a gorgeous pair of light pink quartz earrings - on display soon - and a perfectly matching light pink orchid, which should definitely last the distance with me. I am very touched.

I'm being so terribly spoilt, it's almost embarrassing...but I am incredibly grateful for all the gestures large and small which are helping to push me through the days.

Day 92 and while my mouth is still driving me crazy and the tiredness and aches continue, I definitely have more energy that the same time last cycle so the white blood cell booster must be doing its work. Working my way through the '90s...

Day 91: Lindsey's moonshine studs

Recently my dear friend Lindsey (Day 20) went home to Edinburgh to see her Mum Arlene, brother Richard and sister-in-law Sian (Day 33). While she was there she bought me these gorgeous studs. They are made by Shelia Fleet an Orkney jeweller, and are called 'Lunar'. The soft blue and silver enamel captures moonshine beautifully. They are a wonderful link to Lindsey, to Scotland -a place I feel very connected to, and also to Mum. Rob and I are lucky in that moonlight pours into our bedroom, especially during a full moon. Since Mum died, I feel especially close to her on these nights; the beauty, brightness and calmness of a full moon always gives me a sense of her essence and presence.

I wore these earrings today as I caught up with Linz, her gorgeous children Evie Star and Gabriel and Frankie the spaniel. They came over - laden with delicious treats - to have a walk with Molly and morning tea. I haven't seen Linz for ages so it was wonderful to have the chance to catch up, although as usual, we only touched the surface.

My morning stroll, although short and gentle, still knocked me out so I rested on the couch for the rest of the afternoon interspersed with some phone calls, including with dear Andy (Day16), plotting out my return to work later in the year . This will be the start of an exciting new chapter for me, and something I'm greatly looking forward to.

Around 4pm Paulie arrived to come with me on Molly's afternoon walk in the late afternoon sunshine. After all his years in Melbourne, I still pinch myself when I realise that he's a short drive away and we can have regular catch ups like today and yesterday.

When I was leaving the house this afternoon I found a parcel at my front door including some delicious fruit and a new puzzle - Van Gogh's Starry Night - courtesy of darling Deb and Mel. I feel like I have Deb's imprimatur to put Maria away for awhile and start afresh! It's a needed distraction and it's such a thoughtful gift. I can't wait to get started.

Off to the bush 6.30am

Day 91 and I'm on my own because Rob and the boys left at the crack of dawn this morning for a trip to the Jenolan Caves and to have a night camping in the bush - it's a last blast before the boys are back at school on Wednesday. It's stunning weather so I'm sure they'll have a great trip. I'm having a very quiet time at home binge-watching Season 6 of Girls uninterrupted...but I am missing my lads. The tiredness and aches and pains continue, but I'm definitely crawling out of the pit.

Day 90: Geeta's Black and Red Fans

Day 90 - another '0' day, which makes me feel like I'm making progress. It's now 38 days until I 'officially' finish the 6 chemo cycles. I could say 'only' 38 days, but it actually still feels like a long time given I know what I have to get through between now and then. But it does mean the end is slowly coming into sight.


Despite the ongoing stabbing pains and mouth issues, I am feeling considerably brighter on yesterday, helped greatly by being able to break out of my cabin, in which I've been feeling feverish. We headed over to visit Geeta, Paul for lunch and collect Angus after his sleep over with gorgeous cousin Jai. It was lovely to catch up, albeit briefly, and helped shake me out of a funk. An evening walk with Robbie also helped.


As I knew I'd be seeing my precious sister-in-law today, I reached for the gorgeous pair of earrings Geeta gave me recently. Made from wafer-thin wood, they are incredibly light and lovely to wear. The red beads a perfect contrast against the black; they make a fabulous addition to my expanding red collection.





We are so blessed to have Geets as one of our sisters. She's an incredibly warm, generous, and kind person who is a great listener and always has insightful and thoughtful comments to make. She's brave too - making the move away from her beloved family and friends in Malaysia to come to Australia, and all that that entails. Mum adored Geets - as we all do - and was so happy to see Paul build a life together with her. Geeta and Paul's weddings ceremonies in a Catholic church in Sydney (by Fr Sin, no less!) and a Hindu temple in KL were both great

celebrations. Geeta is a wonderful Mum to our precious Jai, the youngest of 13 cousins.

.

Today I've been feeling a bit frustrated. First because the girl with the pearl earring jigsaw - let's call her Maria** is giving me grief. I've got out almost all the coloured bits and just have a giant blackish border to go. Rather than a distraction, she's becoming a frustration and a burden...I'm prevaricating: on one hand I think I should pack her up and start something new...but then I think given perseverance is the name of the game at the moment, I should just stick with her and see if together we can complete the journey. Perhaps the answer is a collective one -  call a gathering of jigsaw-istas to get her done! **(One art expert provocatively suggests Maria, Vermeer's daughter may well have been not only the model, but the artist of this picture. If the theory in the fascinating film Tim's Vermeer is correct, and the artist used a mirror painting technique, then the conjecture seems even more plausible. It certainly wouldn't be the first time a woman genius flew under the radar and her brilliance is accredited to a man).

The second reason for the frustration is a growing sense of being constrained and contained - one of the psychological effects of this treatment I guess. It's been four months now - ever since the surgery in December - since I've felt free and competent. I'm starting to get tired of being patient, energy-less, uncomfortable and quiet. I'm dreaming of being active, energetic, swimming, enjoying a delicious meal and glass of wine, focussing enough to read a good novel. Rob and I have started planning holidays for later in the year which is a great distraction - today it can't come soon enough.

Day 89: Mum's silver balls

Today's earrings were a gift from Mum. She tucked these into a birthday package with lots of other treats when I was away overseas one year. I found a photo of me wearing them in Rome, when we had a big morning out at the Forum, so I'm guessing I've had them since 2010. They are petite and move nicely, and, just like me today, they are stripped back to the basics.

Day 89 and the combination of the docetaxel and neulasta is still hitting hard, so I'm taking things very easy. I managed a morning walk, a quick excursion to the shops to buy cold food - jelly, iceblocks, yoghurt, watermelon (I'm so sorry that the summer fruits are almost all gone) - then back home to rest for the remainder of the day. My mouth is dry and buzzing; I'll never take saliva and my tastebuds for granted again. The iceblocks are blissful; the coconut oil swilling is constant. I've got random joint and nerve pains and feel a bit like I'm being turned inside out and back again.

I've had supportive messages from all round and feel very loved, but no point me calling back when I'm unable to string any words together.

James and I have a quiet night home at home tonight, while Rob heads to a party and Angus has a sleep over with Jai. Another day down, phew! One should get bonus points for days like this!

Day 88: Scottish Beaded Drops

Loch Long

With the Morrison-Docherty's in Nimes, 2008

Loch Long Angus hugs

Five years ago yesterday - according to 'FB memories' - Rob headed off to Scotland to celebrate the 50th birthday of our friend Alistair - who is weaved into the golden web via Pauline and John. Alistair, and his wonderful wife Laura and son 'big' Angus live in Glasgow, and also have a stunning house on Loch Long, where we've spent some happy days, and where Alistair celebrated his birthday. Alistair is an ardent anti-Scottish nationalist - worried that given independence Scotland will in his words turn into a 'tartan and shortbread freakshow'! It's has made for some very interesting conversations in recent years. Rob returned home with some great tales from the party, and these lovely beaded earrings for me. I particularly like the soft-muted tone colour combination, which matched my mood today.

Birthday celebrations with Billy M

I'm also enjoying another combination of colours today, which arrived in the form of a stunning bouquet of flowers. The pinks and purples against the blue gum leaf looks so delicate, soft and pretty. I couldn't help but feel brighter once they arrived. The flowers came from the Maguire's - close family friends from Armidale days. Dad Peter was an obstetrician who delivered three of my siblings and Mum Elizabeth is a warm and highly intelligent woman who I always love talking politics with. Dear son Bill grew up with Ree and her gang and is a boxing day 'twin' of mine. An incredibly empathic person, Bill has sent me constant messages of support throughout this ordeal. Darling daughter Lucy we count as our fourth sister. Lucy and Lindy were inseparable growing up, and that's hardly changed over the years. Lucy and her lovely husband Sean and daughter Kate are constants in our lives - we all love them dearly.

Lu and Lindy at Paulie and Geets KL wedding

Wedding bells 1999

All these thoughts of Lucy and muted tones led me to pull out Lindy's wedding photos, with Cazy, Lucy and me as bridesmaids and Jodie and Sammi Crogan as flowergirls in our pretty pink silk dresses - in the breeze we look like we're about to take flight.

And speaking of flight - that's exactly what my boys did today. Knowing we were Sydney centred for the holidays, I bought them a 'flight' at the indoor flying centre. I'm not sure it matched Rob's experience of doing the real thing and skydiving out of planes, as he did back in the day, but they all came home excited and, thankfully, still in one piece!

Day 88: "Wobble wobble two fat ladies" goes to the bingo call. I'm feeling like that too - puffed, swollen and uncomfortable.  As with last time, this docetaxel is really taking its toll. Sore head, nails and bones... running eyes and nose... dry sandy mouth...fatigue...no words. I was fortunate to get across for my massage this morning which helps with some of the tightness and the sore lymph nodes. I know these are the toughest days and I just have to keep crawling through them. Every day down is a victory. I'm lucky to get through them surrounded by such love and support, and pretty colours.

Day 87: Chilean Lapis Lazuli drops

These are a very special pair of earrings - they are the ones passed on to my friend Pauline by a fellow Australian chemo patient, Maree, who Pauline (Day 24) met when she was in Chile recently (Day 70). They arrived here yesterday, sent by Pauline when she arrived back in London. I'm still so touched by this gesture - it makes me feel connected through the golden web to others going through a similar experience, despite being strangers.

The timing of their arrival couldn't have been better. First, they came at the lowest point in this cycle when I really needed some bucking up. Second, they arrived just in time for Pauline's birthday, which is today and meant I could wear them and be linked to her. I'm sending my love and birthday wishes across the oceans - I think she's celebrating in France.

There's another special birthday today - my nephew Henry, who turns 8. He's an incredible character - a dog lover, swimmer, comedian, and a very kind and compassionate boy. Last weekend he was busy running three fundraising stalls outside his house - one for his darling young school friend Carys who has a brain tumour and is being sent to the UK for treatment, one for dog rescue, and one for saving the organutans. Happy Birthday Hen!

Henry throwing water bombs in Tassie, 2015

Birthday presents, 2017

Day 87 and I'm flattened. After another disrupted sleep, it's great not to be taking the steroids, but without them I've got zero energy. The white blood cell booster also strips out any residual energy. I managed an walk this morning but came home for a rest and didn't really move from the bedroom all day. The boys have been waiting on me hand and foot. I'm so lucky to be so well cared for. I need it today.