Day 112: Mother's Day Diamonds

First Mother's Day 2003, Bronte Park

Fourteen years ago today Robbie bought me my first mother's day gift on behalf of my beautiful new born James - a pair of stunning diamond earrings. They are in the same design of my wedding ring- French art deco with a mill-grain edge. I was so touched then, and they remain very precious. I've been saving them up to wear on Mother's Day and loved the chance to put them on.



I've been completely spoilt again today by my boys: breakfast in bed, a gorgeous card and some wonderful gifts including the new novel 'Anything's Possible' (seems appropriate!) by one of my favourite novelists, Elizabeth Strout, first introduced to me by Pauline via the brilliant 'Olive Kitteredge'. I'm now also in possession of the most comfortable LLL sweat pants ever - and a fun and fabulous 'Manuel the Owl' T-shirt, joining the boys in their Mulga The Artist obsession.

After a nice lie in watching the Insiders, I made it out for a walk with the boys, then for a delicious Vietnamese lunch in Newtown. The salty/vinegar/ punchy flavours worked so well, when everything else is a mix of sand and cardboard. All the excitement wiped me out for the afternoon to the extent that I couldn't find any words for my skype with Fiona in Edinburgh;  it's postponed for another day. We all sat down and watched the film 'Lion' this evening - a very appropriate movie for today given it's subject matter- tears were shed!  I've received countless wonderful messages today including a lovely one that arrived this afternoon from Dr Kath, wishing me a happy mother's day, spurring me on to the finish line and remembering Mum. I'm feeling so blessed.

The challenging teenager stage (Maddie pls note the jeans!)

Of course like everyone else, I've been reflecting on my precious Mum today. Rather than be too sad about what is missing with her not here, I've been thinking about everything she gave her children and how she's living on through all of us and our beautiful kids, her grandchildren. Brother Paul wrote a poem for today that captures Mum's love just perfectly. One thing that hit me today was how constant Mum was as we moved through all our phases, from young kids, to challenging teenagers to fully grown adults and parents ourselves. Juggling five must be no mean feat, but she gave to all of us equally, steadily, non-judgementally and with boundless love.

Another amazing Mum in my life is the wonderful Betty, my mother-in-law. She also raised five children magnificently, and has shown endless love and devotion not only to them but to me and her other fortunate children-in-law. She's the most wonderful Grandmother to her precious grandchildren. I love her dearly.





















On Day 112 the aches and pains continue, but not quite as bad as yesterday. My mouth is revolting, the tiredness seems bottomless but I feel like I'm inching towards the light. Another week begins.

Day 111: French Black Enamel Ovals

It was such a gorgeous morning this morning I had no choice but to drag myself out of bed to join Robbie, Angus and Molly for a morning walk (James was off at his at his Saturday sport, paddling on Audley Weir). It took me about 10 minutes to count through the steps it would take to get dressed and another 10 to work up the courage to move from my comfy bed, but I was good once I was up and going. Sydney Park was shimmering in the warm Autumn weather; holding Robbie's hand as I made my way around the track, I was so pleased I'd joined in the excursion. Rob and Angus then headed out for a day of fun, ending with a trip to the cinema, leaving me to rest quietly at home, which is just what I needed.

Later this afternoon I had a lovely visit from Andy (Day 16) who bought me flowers, a delicious citrus sago pudding and two wonderful pairs of earrings to mark the end point of the chemo. It was great to see her after many weeks, to catch up on life and work and to talk about our plans for a more balanced future. 

Today, on Mother's Day eve, I've been wearing a lovely pair of earrings Robbie and James bought me for Mother's Day around about 12 years ago. They are French, and made from black enamel with a tiny pearl dot in the centre.  They are delicate and move just right. It's hard to capture their loveliness in a photo.

On Day 111 I'm suffering the stabbing pains and general awfulness that comes with the chemo metabolisation, and notice my eyes and nose are starting to stream again. But today I feel brighter emotionally and know that it can only get better from here.

Reading through the Saturday papers I came across this great quote from that well known philosopher Goldie Hawn - it sums up how I'm feeling albeit in a slightly (!) different context:

..."I know that now is the time to crack the whip. Just live your life, love your friends [and family], do your work, get real, be real, have a good life and do something good for the world."  Hear hear!

Day 110: Florentine Jacaranda Drops

I'm not sure, but I doubt there's a jacaranda tree anywhere in or near the vicinity of Florence. However, given today's earrings are the exact purple of a jacaranda flower, so I'm going to stick with the description even if it isn't entirely accurate. I bought this pair in a tiny shop in a winding backstreet when we were staying in Florence in 2011. I remember Mum was with me at the time and joined me in making a purchase.

I needed something simple today, and it was nice to have another pair to connect me to Mum. On day 110 I'm in the depths of the pit when all the side effects hit at once and I can do nothing but just sit back and let it all do its thing - stab, stab, stab. I'm not sure if its because I started this round physically reduced, or I've just had enough of holding it altogether, but I'm finding this round crushing. The cumulative effects have made me so puffed and swollen I feel (and look) like an alien . I have to keep reminding myself, as every other kind person does, that it's just a phase and I'll be back to my old self soon, but today that still seems far away.

But no matter how miserable I feel, I'm so conscious how loved and well cared for I am. Although I can't get much past grunting and nodding, Robbie has been amazing, attempting to pre-empt my every need even though I don't know even know what I want! And, when I returned home from a trip across to have a lymphedema massage, these stunning flowers were on the doorstep from my wonderful family. The colours are all my favourites and even match today's earrings; they really brightened and lifted my day.


 

To stop me from any further wallowing this afternoon I received a wonderful email from my soon to be boss, Law Dean George Williams, informing me and the Law Faculty that the University has committed and confirmed funding for me to move to Law and become the new Director of UNSW's Australian Human Rights Institute. Taking over from Andy (Day 16) I've got huge shoes to fill, and am incredibly grateful for all her support to make this dream a reality. Steph's (Day 28) hard work has been invaluable too. It's such an exciting opportunity and something to look forward to...I'm definitely keeping track of all the glasses of champagne I've missed out on over the last 5 months to celebrate various things, and preparing a catch up when I can!

Day 109: Daisy's eye studs

I couldn't think of a more appropriate pair of earrings to wear today - a pair of fabulous eye studs, made by Daisy, my talented Berlin-based niece (Day 10), who gave them to me when she visited in March.

Thanks to the steroids, the chemo and the neulasta coursing through my system, I was completely wired last night and barely got a wink of sleep. I was hoping by wearing these earrings would stay awake throughout the day so that I won't have to go through the same thing tonight. The earrings did the trick, and thankfully there's no more steroids which will also help.

I'm finding the best time to sleep is in the early morning - of course the busiest time of day in our house, but thanks to Robbie's huge efforts, that's all taken care of. This morning he made pancakes for the boys to celebrate the last day of NAPLAN tests at school, made me my current favourite treat - an icy orange and ginger juice- before packing the boys off to school and taking Miss Molly for a long walk to give me some peace and quiet. He came home to start cooking some cauliflower soup for lunch and finish the domestics. He is a superman, in every sense.

It's was a stunning autumn day; we enjoyed spending sometime sitting in our courtyard planning its transformation with a landscape gardner who came to take a look and later in the day had a lovely walk around the park. In between I spent some time working through my email inbox and catching up on some easy work tasks, which meant I didn't feel completely useless.

I was so touched this morning to receive another earring gift, from a special colleague, Nicole George, based at UQ but currently on sabbatical in Sweden - she said she thought I needed some Scandi design for my collection and she's right! They're gorgeous and will be displayed soon.

As expected on Day 109 I'm tired, swollen, have sore lymph nodes and a furry mouth and am suffering all the other revolting side-effects of the treatment. It's some comfort that I now know what to expect, to know that it passes and most of all THIS IS THE LAST TIME I have to to endure it -  Whoo hoo!

Day 108: Seattle Poppy Domes

In August 2011 I headed off to Seattle on a lightening quick trip to attend the Annual American Political Science Conference. I think I was on the ground for no more than three nights and back home before the jet lag even had time to hit at the US end at least. When it did catch up with me back home, I swore never to do it again! The conference was great. The best part of course was catching up with wonderful friends and colleagues including Carol Weissert and Laurel Weldon, and Sabine Lang who hosted a group of us for drinks at her lovely home.

I do love Seattle, such an attractive place and with a different and more relaxed vibe than so many other US cities I've been to. The locals tell me the weather can get them down - too much rain - but like Vancouver up the road, it's so green and lush because of it.

Even though it was a quick trip, there was time for some earring shopping. I picked up these pretty poppy domes and a divine little jewellery boutique. I remember buying Maddie some birthday earrings at the same time.

Day 109 has been an extremely quite one. I spent the morning in bed just letting the drugs do their thing, before having a relaxing soak in the bath and preparing to head back to the Kinghorn for my final neulasta injection. Angus came with me today as my end of treatment charm. As I left the clinic Zoe said she hoped she'd never see me again, I said it was mutual. I'm really enjoying ticking off all the 'lasts' including this afternoon the final dose of steroids which I've found particularly harsh. A good chat with Dad on the phone followed by nice late afternoon walk with Robbie, where I shuffled around like a 90 year old but enjoyed the fresh air, capped off the day.

Day 107: Mumma bear's 70th birthday bling

Six treatments down! I feel so relieved and grateful that the infusions are finished. I was so conscious today of Mum and her finishing chemo treatment at the 6th infusion too. I remembered that she sent us a photo from the chair. I imitated her but with 1 big frozen hand! Knowing what I know now I feel that I never gave Mum enough support during her treatment, something I deeply regret. She was so uncomplaining and strong.

As I entered the clinic today I was also carried by all the loving and supportive messages I'd received giving me encouragement and courage to get through this final session. It was another uneventful one, thank goodness. They were very busy again in the Kinghorn clinic this morning so I was allocated a bed in a separate room - I didn't complain, though Rob and I agreed that we missed the hustle and bustle of being on the main floor. We passed the time with me attempting to read the New Yorker, but the frozen gloves made scrolling a challenge (!), so we settled into the SMH crossword which we solved today with any problems, admittedly with little assistance from my chemo addled brain. Nurses Louise and Zoe popped in to say hello but my main nurse today was Ella, a little more reserved but incredibly efficient like the others. I was so happy when I heard the beep of the infuser, and saw the black back of toxins was empty. The port has done its job magnificently and I can hopefully have it removed soon. Walking out the door I literally clicked my heels as I waved farewell to the nurses!

As we jumped in the car I felt a sense of jubilation and emotion; on the drive home we blasted one of my favourite Proclaimers songs - "It's over and done with" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NBegquhJRM) followed by "I'm on my way...from misery to happiness today"...Nothing like these Scottish lads to cheer you up!

As usual I was wearing a pair of Mum's earrings to keep her close. These are the grey/blue studs she bought to wear to her wonderful 70th birthday party, held in 2013 at a winery about 40mins outside Armidale. Mum had all her family and close friends around and we celebrated in Chappell clan style complete with a song - to the tune of Grandma's feather bed - with new lyrics written by Cazy, who has such talent for these things. (I found the lyrics today tucked into a photo album Mum sent after the party!). Mum loved every minute of it. Little did we know as we drove back to Armidale watching a magnificent moonrise through the windows of the bus how momentous the day was. One week later darling Marg Walsh (Day 95), who'd come up for the party was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Just 1 month later Mum was diagnosed with an aggressive intestinal cancer. It still hard to believe given how well they both were that day. As it turned out, the party was a perfect reflection of the lesson Mum had worked to instil in all her children - never miss a chance to celebrate life's events, big and small, with the ones you love.

Reading the lyrics made me cry and smile and miss her all the more today.


After getting home from the clinic I was buzzing from the steroids and the treatment which meant I was unable to rest as I'd hoped so I sat back down with the the puzzle and finished it off. It was another thing to give me a sense of satisfaction. On Day 107 I'm tired, emotional, relieved, and daunted by the thought of next few rough days. But mostly I'm grateful for the love and care of Robbie, my boys and my wonderful family and friends who've taken such care of me today and every day for the last four months.

Day 105: Vicki and David 4 - Chocolate Drops

Angus in armour with V&D and James, 2012

My dear  friends Vicky and David (Day 17) have been constantly cheering me on from the sidelines, including with a string of kind messages last night. These messages, and the fact they are 'lucky', made me reach for this pair of chocolate drop earrings V&D bought me for my birthday around 2007. I remember wearing this pair one day when I raced in to collect James from aftercare at school and noticed as I jumped back into the car and looked in the rear vision mirror that I was missing one... Argh! -- it's just the worst feeling. I immediately re-traced my steps but couldn't see it in the playground but asked the teacher to keep an eye out for it. With huge relief one of the kids found it and handed it in, so it made its way safely back to me, and they have since become one of my lucky pairs.

I thought a lucky charm was appropriate on Day 105 as I headed back to Chemoworld at the Kinghorn Centre for my pre-infusion check up. I had blood tests, and aside from being anaemic which helps explain the ongoing fatigue, all the readings look good enough to go ahead for the final treatment tomorrow.  I then had my appointment with Rachel who was her usual incredibly empathic and professional self. Rachel explained that my current (and very annoying) weight gain is a side effect of the chemo that I just need to live with for the time being. I should expect ongoing fluid retention and swelling, including in my ankles for a month or so after this treatment and into the radiation period. My streaming eyes are paradoxically the result of dryness so I need to start using drops. Rachel smiles when I report no mouth ulcers and just quietly says with a smile while she types: 'coconut oil'.

She explained that it will take quite some time to work through all the general chemo after effects, which may take up to 12 months: how great, the gift that just keeps giving!  She knows I'm doing it tough, but also explained that compared to many people I've managed the chemo really well, which is heartening. I'll see her in early July to start discussing the third phase of the treatment - hormone therapy- before which I'll need a bone density test. I also need a CT scan to check on those pesky tiny liver spots which everyone suspects are benign, and should still look the same at the end of the treatment as they did when they were first detected in December. Fingers crossed! I've realised the mention of the word scan sends me into a cold sweat; for me they are the most stressful part of this entire ordeal for some reason. I can get my port out soon too so I can swim again - yipee!

Rob and I came back and I had a restful afternoon on the couch while the steroids really stareted kicking in and making me buzz.

I had a very brief visit from Nat this afternoon on her way across to UNSW, which bucked me up. She bought me an amazing new puzzle by well known Sydney artist Del Kathryn Barton from the NSW Art Gallery. It's my first contemporary art puzzle and looks fabulous - all those additional breasts seem appropriate somehow! I'd only said last night to Rob that I'll need to look for a new puzzle to get me through this last phase once Vincent is done - which has been so enjoyable.

Drawing on her German Judo Olympics Coach, Nat also gave me some great advice for tomorrow: I need to 'pump up my mind' 'Hup hup'!... Here I go!