Day 21: Maddie's Matte Silver Spoons

Today I needed an extra boost of courage. Last night my hair was literally falling out of my head in handfuls and I realised that I would need to go and get it shaved off today. The buzz cut was fun while it lasted; but even though it seemed so short, as it fell out it was making a terrible mess, and made me feel miserable.  

The process was a bigger deal than I expected. The bald scalp is the first really obvious public sign that something serious is up, and this had strong impact on Rob and me last night and today, and probably the boys too, although they are making light of it. Even just a week ago I didn't quite understand the obsession over the hair thing, but it made more sense to me today: it is profoundly symbolic. But I also know not to expend too much emotional energy on it - it is just another one of those moments of adjustment in this 'journey' and that it will grow back.

The new, new me

I needed someone with good hair-clipper skills to do the deed, so first thing this morning Rob made me an appointment at Grand Royal Barbers in Darlinghurst, where he's been a loyal client for 15 years. A very sympathetic Heather shaved my scalp in 5 minutes flat - pausing for a brief moment to let me trial a short mohawk, which was seriously ugly. I still have a fuzz, which I expect will be gone within the week, but I'm enjoying the amazing feel of it while it lasts.

My earring selection for today was deliberate. They are a gorgeous pair of matte silver 'spoons' which have also travelled with me all over the world, given to me by my treasured friend Madeleine Drake. Maddie is an incredibly courageous person, and I felt the earrings would give me the boost I needed.

Maddie and Louy,1st Class St Mary's 1973.

Maddie and I have been friends since 1973, when she arrived in First Class as the 'new girl' at St Mary's Primary in Armidale. We bonded on her arrival, and have remained the closest of friends over the past 44 years, sharing many rites of passage together - primary school pranks, naughty teenage hijinks, University days, weddings. As adults we've enjoyed seriously good eating, drinking and travel adventures. We've sometimes lost each other en route -literally and figuratively - but  have always found each other again.  We are now experiencing the joy of mothering our precious kids together. 

Maddie, Lou watched on by Philip, 1987

Lou, Maddie and Sue 2016

I love this photo on the left of us at my 21st birthday party, where we are sharing a private moment, watched on by our wonderful friend Philip Carrigan. Maddie has cigarette in hand, I no doubt had just put one out. Goodness knows who or what the subject of our conversation was!

That shot from '87 sit in perfect juxtaposition with the one of the right, taken almost thirty years later at Maddie's'1960s' themed 50th celebration last year. She and I are joined by another precious and longtime St Mary's friend, Sue Thornton, who we both try and catch up with whenever we're in Melbourne. 

Maddie and Bill en route to Jura, 2002

To make things more special, Maddie married another person very dear to me, Bill Budd - a man with an infectious laugh and an inquisitive and seriously smart mind. Together they have produced a darling daughter Marcella, the most feisty, tenacious and brave girl around. After her birth, Marcella suffered a serious health issue, and required invasive life-saving surgery. As a baby, she was hospitalised for many weeks, and despite all the early health challenges, has emerged as vivacious girl, who loves singing and plays a mean base guitar. 

Marcella at 2 with her beloved UpsyDaisy, 

Maddie's courage was on display so forcefully after Marcella's birth. Never have I witnessed such fierce and powerful mother love in the face of constant, challenging decision-making. She taught me so much about the power of that love, and also the importance of being an advocate for the health of your loved ones, and yourself, despite the hierarchy presented by the medical profession. Maddie has been life-long inspirational friend and I'm a grateful beyond words to have her in my life.

Three weeks down today, and preparing for the next infusion tomorrow. I admit to feeling a little nervous about re-entering the clinic, but  I'm also reassured by the care I received last time, and over the past three weeks, and also how well I've managed this first round. And of course, I'll have Robbie at my side. I'm trying to stay in the day, and not project forward too much. Sometimes that's easier said than done, but as Mum always said, it's important to try.