Day 100: Tiffany 4

days down and aren't I happy about that! (It's the closest I'll ever get to having something in common with the Donald!). Today one of those weird time-warp moments where it seems like it's only been a blink since Day 1, when I had my first treatment at the Kinghorn Centre, and also like forever ago.  All I know is that I have 26 more days until I'm officially at the end of the last chemo cycle. This timeframe is finally starting to feel manageable, even though I know I've still got a lot to get through between now and then. 

Today I'm feeling incredibly grateful to have come this far with the loving support of so many people near and far. Grit and endurance are so much a part of this process and I've only managed to tap into both because of this constant support and signs of solidarity via thoughtful messages, phonecalls (even if I've not returned the calls!), earrings, flowers, food, and other gifts. 

I'm also so pleased that I've managed to get to this point - and I hope to the end of the treatment - without having had any serious infections or viruses that land so many chemo patients in hospital. Along with so many other things, Rob and the boys are largely responsible for this, ensuring I don't have to wander too far into the world and keeping things clean and calm on the home front.

I'm celebrating this milestone - and feeling spoilt - by wearing a Tiffany's silver mesh set that Rob has bought me piece-by-piece over the years: silver hoop earrings, a matching bangle and ring. We were trying to remember today the sequence of their arrival; we think it was bangle first, earrings second then the ring. I'm pretty sure the bangle was the first gift Rob bought me from Tiffany's - a birthday present, around 2003. I'm certain the ring came last, in 2005: Rob took me to Tiffany's in Hawaii to buy it while we were there for me to attend a conference. I had these earrings on at James' Christmas concert at Boundary Lane, where he was dressed up as a chef when he was 3 years old. I don't often wear these pieces together, but love wearing each of them as separate items. They're classic, and will never date.

Day 100 and I managed a walk with Rob and Molly around Sydney park: I got completely puffed out walking up the hill, with aching legs, patently demonstrating to me just how unfit I am. I can't wait to get back some condition after this treatment is over. 

At lunch time we headed back to Cancerworld, this time to St Vincent's radio-oncology department where I'll be starting radiotherapy on 5 June. The purpose of today's 'simulation' session was for the staff to demonstrate the procedure and for me to be measured up for treatment. I received my first ever tattoos - 4 tiny dots pinpointing the key treatment areas which will be my lymph nodes under my arm, in the chest wall and my neck. Accuracy and consistency are the name of the game with this treatment. I will need 25 sessions - apparently this is best practice, a protocol apparently not available in the UK where only 15 sessions are the norm - each lasting only a matter of 2-3 minutes. Again I met with the delightful Dr Rowena (Day 52) who explained that the worst side effects of this will be ongoing fatigue and a gradual build up of redness, and eventually a burn around the treatment site, the severity of which varies from patient to patient. Worse case, down the track I may need more surgery to address shrinkage of the skin. Fingers crossed it won't be that bad. 

As Rob and I drove back from the hospital, we found ourselves once again reflecting on how extremely fortunate we are to be in the care of such professional, capable and accessible doctors. I'm very conscious that I'm experiencing the gold standard in health care. We know only too well, given the experience of  our relatives in regional NSW, this isn't everyone's experience of the Australian health system, even though it should be. Gratitude! 

The trip tired me out, so home for a rest and an early night.

A shout out to dear Philip (Day 99) on his birthday today. What a year it's been for him, and how wonderful he's well enough to celebrate his 51st birthday in fine style in Sydney today.

Let the triple figures roll on...

Day 99: Lindy's Handmade Ceramic Beads

My clever sister Linda (Day 15) made today's earrings. Working to get some balance in her busy life as a successful business woman and the mother of the three tallest boys in the world, last year she returned to doing something she loves but hadn't done for years - making ceramics. She found a great teacher in Newcastle and every Thursday spends time creating beautiful objects. (With Bretty who makes divine bowls, that's two people in the golden web I know currently working in this medium, and dear Betty is an excellent potter too). Recently, Lindy took a side-step away from homewares to make some beads which she's using to construct wonderful necklaces and earrings. My earrings today are asymmetric beads on a hexagonal hoop. The dove grey colour is gorgeous. They go perfectly with a scarf Cazy bought me at the start of this journey. Having seen Lindy yesterday, I'm wearing the earrings a day late, but close enough.

Philip, 1984

Health warriors 2017

Rob and I started early this morning with a visit to meet Angus' school principal, which went well. We then caught up with for morning tea with one of my oldest and dearest friends Philip Carrigan. Philip and I went to high school together and were neighbours during our angsty teenage years. We spent many hours smoking and playing records in my lounge room, and he became an integral part of the Chappell family. I'd often visit his house too, to listen to entirely different set of records - the Who & John Lennon come straight to mind- and to chat over cups of tea with his Dad, the delightful Max, and Philip's wonderful sister Louise. Philip taught me about cricket, gave me wise counsel about teenage boys, and showed me the value of true friendship. Although we haven't seen much of each other over the years with Philip having lived in Japan for a long time running a successful business, he remains an important person in my life. This was powerfully bought home to me last year when he suffered a life threatening illness and was thought unlikely to survive. It was such a joy to see him today happy and healthy. We shared health war stories and plans for our futures, which will for both of us include belatedly celebrating our 50th birthday that were scuttled by surgery emergencies last year.

After an afternoon nap, I went for a lovely evening walk with Robbie and Molly. The sunset was stunning. Robbie cooked a great dinner, we had a lovely chat with Nanna Betty on the phone, then had another night with the puzzle with streaming, weepy eyes. Another day down!

Day 98: Andy's Israeli Green Drops

Andy (Day 16) gave me two fabulous pairs of earrings at the half way point of my treatment - the Hamsa Hands (Day 57) and these wonderful drops, which are a faceted green stone encased in beaten silver. The colour of the stone is really unusual, and shifts with the light; they move perfectly and are a pleasure to wear. Andy tells me they are from Israel, making them even more special and exotic.

I selected them today because I had a work meeting with Andy, Sarah (Day 93) and Emily (Day 92). Even though I joined  by skype, and didn't even turn the camera on, it was nice to be wearing them and feel connected through my earrings. It was a very productive meeting - we made lots of good decisions which will push forward our final Australian Research Council grant commitments.

Robbie and I had some lovely visitors today too. First my dear sister-in-law Kerrie, direct from the eye hospital, from where Rob collected her. Kerrie needed emergency surgery last night for a torn retina. It sounds awful, but thankfully the operation was a success, and she was manging well considering.

This afternoon sister Lindy Lou came to visit. She has a Sydney meeting tomorrow and decided to come earlier to see me, and spend the night with Paulie and Geets. We enjoyed a stroll in the afternoon sunshine and a good chat about managing our complex and busy lives.

I enjoyed my dinner - a thai green curry courtesy of my brother, Paulie - and a quiet night with the puzzle. It's a bit of a struggle with such watery eyes, but I'm obsessed.

Day 97: Agate colums

Day 97 and I've been feeling a little brighter today. A morning walk in the sunshine with Rob, Angus and Molly was enjoyable, then home for a relaxing bath and a nap. James and Rob were out this afternoon so Angus and I did some baking - chocolate brownies for him to take to school - then he attempted to teach me one of his video games. I'm not sure if it's my blurry eyes or general lack of skill - but I didn't do very well! He and I then took Molly for her evening walk, which tired me out. I've managed to make some progress with the van Gogh puzzle, which I'm enjoying immensely. I love seeing close up how these talented artists use colour - adding dots and splashes of the most unlikely colours to bring out light and shade.

Today I'm wearing a pair of earrings Rob bought me from a jeweller he came across near his old work place - Studio Elke. He's purchased many items for me there, some of which are absolute favourites, especially the 'ring of totality' which is made from two silver bands and small balls of marble.  These earrings he bought online and they are bigger than he expected, and than I usually wear - and a little off my usual colour palate. I've got them tucked away for one of those occasions where a statement piece is required! They look a little odd right now against my bald scalp and no hair to soften them, but were fun to wear nonetheless.

Getting ready for a new week ahead, filled with a few work and medical appointments and some friendly catchups to look forward to.

Day 96: Meg's Pink Squares

Pop! I needed a splash of colour today so chose the fabulous candy pink resin squares Meg (Days 52 & 66) sent me recently. They're a happy colour - my favourite - and brightened up my mood, just as Meg intended I'm sure.

I woke feeling miserable this morning. I'm completely sick of myself: my dry, claggy mouth; puffy watery eyes; blotchy skin; sore nails; scratchy voice; achy limbs; tiredness and lack of concentration. It feels like this treatment has taken forever and will never end. Robbie, sympathetic and supportive as ever, thought hard about how he could buck me me and did what only a very good man would do - cajoled me out of bed and took me shopping. Having had an entire year off buying any new clothes last year, and barely gone near a shop this year, it was a treat. The traffic was ridiculously heavy getting there, but my foray was fun and productive - a nice new jumper, top and warm jacket. Retail therapy worked!

After coming home for some lunch, Rob and I had a nice walk in the sun, then home for an afternoon snooze on the couch.

To keep my buoyed, Rob made roast lamb for dinner. Yum! I'm making progress with my new puzzle too. I really shouldn't complain, I'm a spoilt woman.

Day 95: Philadelphia circles and blue drops

O'Keefe, Peach and Glass

My earrings today are another 'celebration' pair. I bought them in 2003 at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. The Museum has the most incredible collection, including a number of wonderful Georgia O'Keefe's, which I adore; clearly, it has a great shop too!


I was in town to collect an award for the best book in women and politics from the American Political Science Association for my first book Gendering Government. Rob and James came with me to the award ceremony; it was James' first overseas trip at 6 months old, he was such a terrific little traveller; the trip was made more memorable for feeding him solids for the first time.  

The award came completely out of the blue - I didn't even know that the publisher had submitted it for consideration. When I received the notification, I thought it was a prank by one of my colleagues as the message arrived on the same day as I'd had an interview for promotion, so I thought someone was having fun with me. I was stunned when I realised it was the real deal; it was a great honour and one that has profoundly shaped my career. It gave me entree into a wonderful community of US feminist political scientists - I remember Karen Beckwith, Mary Katzenstein and Lee Ann Banaszack being especially welcoming to me at that particular conference - and it bought attention to my work that eventually enabled me to link up with Georgina Waylen and Fiona Mackay and all my other friend/colleagues in the golden web.

The foundations of that first book led me onto my next big project on the ICC which culminated in The Politics of Gender Justice at the International Criminal Court; both books were the product of hard work and the inspiration of many people. One of those people was a most wonderful teacher that anyone could wish for, Marg Walsh. Marg was my English teacher in my last years in High School and someone I - and indeed the Chappell clan - was fortunate to reconnect with over the past decade or so. 

Ree with Marg and Mum, both just finished chemo

It was not just in her subject matter that Marg was inspirational, but also in the way she went about the world. Marg had great compassion, a vehement sense of social justice, an intellectual inquisitiveness, a strong faith and a wicked sense of humour. Trying to finish the ICC book was hard going as it coincided with Mum's illness and final days, as well as a crushing cancer diagnosis for Marg, but despite her condition she was always there egging me on to get it done: "Don't tickle it to death, darling girl" she'd say - it's a wonderful phrase that I have adopted - I find it very useful with PhD students!

Me and Marg: I

I was so happy to have been able to publicly thank Marg for her influence at the launch of my ICC book in November 2015. She was, along with Mum and Helen (Day 50), one of the three wise women I dedicated the book to. Although Marg was terminally ill at the time, she died in February 2016 - she and her darling Kev travelled from Canberra for the launch; it was exhausting for her but it was so special for us both that she was there. The day after I'd sent her a photo of us together, she replied with her usual wit:  I’m so past my use by date and I don’t like that top and jacket any more but, was I HAPPY!

Me and Marg:II

Marg's darling husband Kev and I still keep in touch. He called me earlier this week to check up on me and this morning I received a letter from him reminding me that Marg's still very close. He enclosed this photo from the launch, which is the twin to the one I had, both showing how happy we were to be together that night. 

I miss Marg terribly and have been thinking of her often during this treatment, knowing she went through an even more brutal regime with barely a whimper. Yoga was her tonic - something I plan to get into once this is all over. I have kept her wonderful emails to remind me of her wisdom and courage, and look at these often. They include gems this:
We are more complete human beings for having known suffering and for having had the opportunity to understand that suffering can expand the heart, depth the love, unveil to us the deep truths of who and what really matters to us in life. 




Marg and Kev have raised two incredible sons, Dan now living in the US and Simon a forensic expert in the senior ranks of the Australian Federal Police, who do them both so proud, and together have produced 5 gorgeous grandchildren.


Day 95 and the weather has been as close to perfect as it can get for me: sunny but with a hint of coolness. I started with more energy today so I was able to join Rob and Molly for a gentle morning walk in the sparkling sunshine. We then caught up briefly with our dear friend Bretty, who runs a art gallery that has relocated just around the corner. I wasn't able to say much - I smiled and nodded where necessary, but there is a slight improvement in my voice today. Dr Rachel emailed me to say this is definitely a chemo side effect, and should improve as my immunity lifts, and not to worry about any permanent damage. I was exhausted when I got home and had a sleep this afternoon before the boys got home... ready for another weekend. 

Day 94: Maddie's Glass Ginger Drops (on loan)

Today I'm wearing a pair of earrings that don't belong to me but are a gift I bought for my dear friend Maddie (Day 21) back in the early 1990s. In fact, I think it was 1991 as I remember buying them in the city on my way home from work in the NSW Cabinet Office. Maddie and I had both recently moved to Sydney - she was living with her sister Felicity in Woollahara, and me across town in Glebe - and both struggling to find out feet in the big city. They are very of their time. I bought myself a similar bluish/green pair that I used to wear all the time but have been lost along the way. Maddie pulled these out recently and kindly loaned them to me - as a sign of our longstanding friendship (which goes back to 1973) and of her solidarity with me through this journey. It was a lovely gesture, and it has been comforting wearing them today.

Maddie, me and baby James, 2003 (Photo by Miss V) 

I selected these this morning as Maddie and I had planned an afternoon catch up. I was really looking forward to it as I hadn't seen her for weeks, but sadly I had to postpone because I've completely lost my voice and had to see a doctor. A quick whispered conversation with my nurse co-ordinator this morning confirmed that hoarseness and voice issues can be side effect of docetaxel, but to be doubly sure it wasn't an infection, she asked me to have a check up with a GP. I couldn't get over to see Dr Kath, but got in to a local Dr who confirmed there was no sign of an infection but a likely side effect of the chemo. Like everything else, I now have to sit this one out too. This treatment is so random; I never know where or when it will hit next, or for how long.

Day 94 and I've been very tired today, so stayed in bed until lunch time, and was treated to wonderful service from Robbie. I'm thinking I now might need to buy a little bell to call for my next cup of tea - ha, ha!😉