Day 8: Deb's green sparkles

James starting Year 9

James was jubilant to be returning to school today, no better ambassador does St Andrews have! He thrives on the central city setting and the inclusive culture of the school, and loves his teachers and his mates, boys and girls. He's entering Year 9, that year bursting with hormones, first broken hearts and all the other teenage angst. During the holidays he's grown so much he's now officially taller than me. It was a complete joy to see him bound off to the station this morning after bringing us our early morning cup of tea, which has become his routine. Gratitude!

Lou and Deb, Old Parliament House Canberra, 2016

Today I'm wearing a pair of pretty green crystal earrings given to me by one of my closest friends, Deb Brennan. I remember Deb bringing these to me as a gift from Melbourne shortly after I'd had Angus, when I was sleep deprived and in serious need of some sparkle!

I met Deb when I first started working in the Government Department, University of Sydney in 1991. She is someone who provides ballast to my life. Deb has been there through the rollercoaster of relationship breakups, my reconnection with Rob, the birth of the boys - who she treats as if they were her own nephews - and Mum's death. She's not only been a friend, but an amazing mentor to me, always ready with sage advice on dealing with the often ridiculous and sometimes outright bizarre twists and turns of life in academia. We laugh a lot!

Brennan and Chappell, 2006

It's been a privilege to be able to work closely with Deb, an internationally renown social policy expert. One of our first collaborations was the edited book 'no fit place for women'? (NB the punctuation!) on Women in NSW Politics. I still love the cover of that book - very cheeky! It may need a second edition now we have just had our second female Premier elected, though our fundamental argument still holds about the NSW Parliament being the quintessential boys club.






The book was launched at NSW Parliament House. Anna, Deb's lovely daughter who is also an important member of our clan, was there and helping to look after James, then three. During proceedings, he looked at her and asked "but where is the Rocket ship, and when will the book be blasted into space?" He was awfully disappointed to learn the speeches were about as fun as it was going to get! I was thrilled to find this gorgeous 
photo of Anna and James from the launch in my photos today.

Anna and James ready to launch, NSW Parl. House 2006

Deb and I have had lots of travel adventures together - Paris, Edinburgh, Switzerland - but one thing I NEVER thought I'd do with Deb is go fishing. But this is precisely what we did earlier this month in the most serene spot outside Bermagui, southern NSW. Technically, she and I didn't do too much fishing... 

Fishing Expedition Jan 2017

...but we did provide essential backup support as Mel, Deb's wonderful partner, and the boys hauled in a good catch. 

Angus' catch of the day, January 2016

Through Deb it's been such a pleasure to get to know Mel, who is kindness personified. The two of them gave us the most fabulous holiday at Bermi just before treatment started, which was exactly the tonic we all needed. 

Day 8, one week on from the first infusion and I'm travelling well. A lovely morning tea visit to Deb and Mel's recently renovated jewel box of a house, some shopping in Newtown, and home to the air-conditioning. The temperature is so oppressive and unusual. My scalp is fizzing anyway, it doesn't need further encouragement. The heat makes me feel very cross, or maybe that's the hormone depletion that comes with the treatment that's kicking in...joy oh joy!

Day 7: Red berries

Yesterday I received a treat from the boys as a home-coming gift  - a new pair of red earrings! I have only one other red pair so these make a very welcome addition. They are small balls of red stone, smooth like marble, with a black fleck. My sister Linda said they reminded her of the small berries on the trees which are so common in Armidale, and she's absolutely right.

I'm wearing them today at Angus' request. He returned to school today, into Year 5, which is hard to believe. It was wonderful to have him skip off so happily this morning to see his friends and find out about his new teachers and class mates. His school also has a new principal, which always make life interesting!

Today I'm expressing gratitude for my remarkable GP, Dr Kath, who I visited this morning to have some stitches removed and to discuss my treatment.  Kath is the model doctor: incredibly knowledgeable and on top of the latest medical developments, a great listener, careful and kind. Fortunately for her patients, Kath is also tenacious, exploring every aspect of any medical quandary to its conclusion and diligent, following up with results as soon as they are available . 

I started visiting Kath's surgery about 16 years ago. Over that time Kath has taken care of my babies, my husband and especially me through every ailment, big and small. When Mum and Dad moved to Sydney they became Kath's patients too. Kath paid Mum great attention and respect throughout her illness and our family felt very blessed to have her as part of Mum's care team. Dad continues to travel all the way from Armidale for his regular check ups. A few years ago when my dear friend Helen Nelson was terminally ill and living close to the surgery, Kath took care of her too, including with home visits which I know brought great comfort to Helen and her wonderful daughter Catherine.

Recently Kath had a tough job to do. My surgery was undertaken close Christmas and the surgeon left for a month-long holiday before giving me the pathology results. Although he'd said he'd call or email from his holiday destination when the results were ready, three weeks on I'd heard nothing. As anyone who has been through a similar situation understands, not knowing the results is the most excruciating aspect of the ordeal. I think we're hard wired not to deal with such uncertainty. One afternoon, I called Kath to tell her I couldn't stand the wait any longer, and she jumped right on the case. She summoned the results immediately (they had in fact been ready well before my surgeon left -- insert relevant expletives here!) and kindly arranged to call me back with the results in the evening when she knew Rob would be with me. As it turned out, the results were worse than we'd expected, but Kath's ability to deliver the news with such a fine balance of professionalism and sympathy made everything bearable. I remember getting off the phone and actually feeling a sense of jubilation - knowing what we were dealing with meant I could get on with treatment. And of course, in true Kath style, within a day I was hooked up with some of the best cancer specialists in Sydney and developing a plan of attack. I will always be grateful Kath's care. I know she's one in a million.

My experience with Kath stands in direct contrast to the arrogance I've experienced with some (but not all, mostly male) medical specialists I've come across with this and past health issues...Of course, I can't help thinking there is a gender dimension to it all.  Having just finished an ethnographic study into gender diversity in the construction industry with the wonderful Natalie Galea, I'm becoming fascinated with this bastion of male power, the medical profession, and with surgeons in particular. Recent press reports suggests there's definitely something up - with patients of women doctor's living longer than men and women surgeons experiencing excessive bias and bullying. I can feel a post-treatment research project coming on...

Day 7 is an incredibly hot day and I WANT THE HEAT TO STOP! My scalp is soooo itchy - I don't think my buzz cut is going to last terribly long - and my toe nails feel hot. The chemo is busily blasting away. I've managed a good walk around Sydney park this morning and had another lovely visit from Lindy, aglow after what sounds like an amazing Bowie concert. A week down...

Day 6: Onyx 1

I wonder what a Freudian analyst would make of my earring collection? (Let alone me writing about it!). It's dawning on me that there are some themes emerging - colours, shapes, and materials - that I've never noticed before. Plus they almost always have hooks, rather than studs - but this at least has been a conscious decision - having had a preference for earrings that swing and twinkle.

My earrings today are one of a number pairs of onyx earrings I own. They are one of my birthday gifts from Rob, from about 14 years ago. The onyx is teardrop shaped set in gold with a hook. The smoothness of the onyx makes them lovely to touch. I don't wear much yellow gold, but I do wear these often. I love their simplicity, and how they move.

Day 6 has been another good one and I'm grateful for it. I'm not feeling ill, just tired. I was very happy to see my sister Linda and share time with her and Ree before Ree left. I also enjoyed catching up with family friend Kim Burton who with Linda are ready to rock the night away at the Bowie tribute concert at the Opera House, lucky ducks! Rob and the boys safe arrival home from their Armidale adventure, a hug from neighbour Katie and a quick visit from dear friends Lindsey and Arleen made the day complete. Here's hoping for more days like these.

Day 5: Betty's green earrings

Today I'm expressing gratitude for one of the central women in my life, my mother-in-law, the wonderful Betty Armbruster, by wearing the pretty green earrings she gave me as a birthday present a few years ago. The colour is appropriate, it's Betty's favourite, and reflects one of her favourite places in the world, Ireland.

Angus and James with Nanna Betty 2016

Betty is a loving mother of five, grandmother of nine and great grandmother of one. With a lust for life and so full of energy, I find it hard to believe Betty turned 80 earlier this month. Today, she is marking her birthday with a celebration in Armidale, which I'm very sorry to be missing. As a voracious reader, a history buff and an avid follower of current affairs, Betty is engaged with the world in deep and thoughtful ways. She's a great communicator, and far better connected on social media than most of us! In the last decade or so it's been wonderful to see Betty have the opportunity for international travel. We've had the joy of meeting up with her in London and in Florence, and hearing about her many other travel adventures - a tour of New Zealand is next on her list.

Gelati outside the Duomo, Florence with Betty and Kerrie, 2011.

Angus in Chewie costume 2016

Betty is generous beyond words, ever ready to jump on the train to come and help us juggle the work/life balance, usually arriving with a container of freshly baked peanut biscuits in hand!  Her sewing skills are legendary - keeping my two boys in the best costumes over the years.

Aside for all her other talents and attributes, Betty was a key link in the chain that reunited Rob and I, which places me forever in her debt.

Day 5 began early for me at the Thompson house, woken at 5am by the Molly dog wanting to find her pal Ted! Grrr! Trying to get back to sleep I opened the newspaper, but the stories emanating from the US left me in such a state of despair I had to stop reading. Despite what some people thought before the election, Trump means what he says... and what he says is despicable. But how to respond in this new Orwellian world? I'm still not feeling overly sick from the chemo drugs, but the toxicity of the political era is gut-churning.

I was fortunate to be distracted with a fleeting visit from my life-long friends, Maddie and Bill, bearing tonight's dinner. Gratitude. After a relaxing day at Cazy's, Ree and I and Miss Molly are back in Alexandria. Can't wait to see my boys tomorrow.

Some late party snaps courtesy of my Aunty Eilee:

Day 4: Blue Kimono Earrings

Today I'm wearing a pair of earrings given to me by my generous brother Paul and sister-in-law Geeta as a birthday gift about three years ago. They are unique, made from swatches of kimono silk in lovely shades of blue.

They remind me of how grateful I am to be surrounded by such an incredibly supportive family. Today, I received calls from Paul and Linda, Ree continued to look after me at home before Cazy drove all the way across town to collect us and Molly Dog for a sleep over at her place.














When we arrived we were greeted by Henry with a welcome sign and left on the end of my bed was a gorgeous picture and message from by my darling 11 year old niece, Gracie.



My first day without steroids today and I definitely feel less energetic and a bit more seasick, but managed a good walk this morning and a trip to the beauticians with Ree to get our nails done. Apparently it's a priority during chemo treatment to take care of one's nails, so enjoying regular mani/pedicures might be one of the few benefits!

Day 3: Satellite 1

Satellite in Paris is one of my most favourite earring shops ever. It sells gorgeous costume jewellery - ranging from large and bold to delicate and dainty pieces. Although I love the former, my purchases have always veered towards the latter.

They have a number of stores but the one I like best is in rue des Francs Bourgeois in the Marais district, which Rob and I stumbled across while visiting in 2002. It's just near the Place des Voges - a beautiful place to sit and contemplate life... and the latest purchase(s).

I've been fortunate to visit Paris a number of times since our discovery and have made a pilgrimage to the Marais store each time - sometimes dragging various travel companions with me including Mum, Deb Brennan - my dear friend and fellow earring obsessive - and my patient family. As can be seen from the the snap of Angus below, it doesn't necessarily impress everyone to the same degree! 

Angus the underwhelmed earring shopper, Christmas 2013

I've bought gifts here for my sisters and Mum, and many friends including my gorgeous neighbour Katie Mann, and my precious colleagues and friends Andy Durbach (to mark her Professorship) and  Lisa Hill - another earring sista.

I'll be displaying my Satellite range over the weeks.  I've chosen for today an oval pair with amethyst and a light blue stone. I think it was the colour combination I was drawn to. I've worn these a frequently including in the professional headshot taken a few years back by Di McDonald, photographer extraordinaire and backbone of UNSW's Australian Human Rights Centre.

These earrings express the gratitude I feel for all the travel opportunities I've had throughout my career to date. Exploring many amazing places has been a gift, but the main benefit has been catching up with so many incredible people, including rendevous with exisiting precious friends and meeting new friends along the way. My international colleagues who have shared with me their passion for protecting human rights, especially those of women, have been inspirational to me. Because of these connections, I'm now experiencing a deluge of love, support and good wishes coming my way from across the globe, and it's incredibly sustaining. Thank you!

Day 3 - Australia Day - or Invasion Day for many - started at dawn with the boys making an early start for their trip to Armidale. I felt well so Ree and I made our way out to the Cinema to see Jackie - which we enjoyed - then grappled with the hopeless staff at the Apple store to rescue my phone, before a restful afternoon. I'm still catching myself in the mirror with my 'new look' and feel pretty good about it.



Today, I've been buoyed by my darling sister-in-Law Geeta becoming an Australian citizen, and the brilliant news of my cousin - superstar Katie Kelly - being awarded an Order of Australia Medal for her gold medal winning Paralympic triathalon performance, just a day after she launched her Sports Access Foundation to improve access to sport for disabled children.

Go grrrls!

Day 2: Titanium disks c 1983

The earrings I've selected for Day 2 are very special and come with quite a story. For my 17th birthday in December 1983, my thoughtful boyfriend gave me pair of earrings made by a local Armidale jeweller. It was an extremely generous gift from a cash-strapped university student. The earrings were trapezoid shaped sterling silver with a titanium piece bolted on the top of each earring. Being very a la mode for the '80s, they had an industrial look, and the titanium pieces were a mirror of the other, fitting together as a jigsaw. I adored these earrings and wore them constantly, until one day the thing most dreaded by all dedicated earring-wearers happened - I lost one!  I took it especially hard, as the relationship had ended sadly, and it was a reminder of the loss. A couple of years later, I decided I couldn't bear carrying the orphan earring around with me any longer, and in a cleaning frenzy before moving house, I threw it out.

Barely visible trapezoid earrings at High School formal with Mum and Dad, 1984

Fast forward to the year 2000. In an amazing sequence of events, involving my parents and my wonderful mother-in-law to be, Betty Armbruster, the stars aligned and my former boyfriend -the one and only Robert Ridley- and I were reunited. A year later we were married. Eventually I made a confession to Rob about the fate of the earrings. He took the news very well considering, and without my knowledge set about rectifying the situation. He tracked down Michael the Armidale jeweller who was now living in Tasmania, but who had stopped working at his craft. Amazingly, Michael discovered in his safe one more pair of that design, disks rather than trapezoids, but otherwise very similar. Rob arranged to have them sent, and presented these to me on my 34th birthday. This has set a pattern of Rob buying me beautiful jewellery, mostly earrings, every birthday, which will be on display in weeks to come.

Birthday 2000, Carindale

I don't wear the disks very often, probably out of fear of losing one, but they remain one of the most precious pairs of earrings I own. They express the gratitude I feel for having found Rob again and having his incredible support in my life - in good times and in bad.













Today is the day I have had my hair cut off, step one before it all all falls out and I try and embrace the bald. Again I have immense gratitude for having my loving sister Ree here to do the deed, and the opportunity to experience what would otherwise be a traumatic event in such fun circumstances, watched on by the boys. I started with a messy bob...transitioned to a Suzi Q mullett, and ended with the shortest haircut of my life...looking much like my Aunty Suzette.

Shortly after, I had a bonus visit from my Dad and Margie, who embraced the new me.

Wearing these earrings today kept me focussed on how transient this phase will be (though I think the short grey look might be here to stay!) and give me comfort knowing throughout it all and into the future I'll have Rob by my side.

Outside the haircut excitement, Day 2 was a good one. The steroids kept the nausea at bay, I had a lovely walk around Sydney Park with Rob and Molly dog this morning, and a delicious lunch at 'Meet Gerrard' with Ree. The boys bounced home from their stay at the Thomspon's ready for their next adventure - a trip to Armidale tomorrow to celebrate Nanna Betty's 80th. I'm sorry I can't go too, but lucky me, I have my eldest sister here to take care of me.

Day 1: Annette's Annecy Studs

Starting chemo today was a strange experience - I felt strong, just wanting to get on with 'it' but also feeling some anxiety about not knowing what was about to happen and my reaction to the drugs. Holding firmly to Rob's hand as I walked through the door of the Kinghorn Cancer Centre I was quickly made feel calm and comfortable by Darrin, my nurse for the session. He was clearly one of the most senior nurses on the floor, with lots of other nurses deferring to him on small and big questions.

The chemo 'suite' is new, light and bright, and has maybe thirty chairs - about half were full today. Australian medical care at its best. Old and frail, young and fit, women and men facing all different types of cancer. There were lots of staff on hand, nurses, administrators and young doctors - one in sparkly silver gym boots which I took a liking to. I'm thinking that oncology has become one of the medical specialisations attractive to women (it lacks the machismo and god syndrome needed for surgery is my guess, and may be more family friendly - 60 rather than 80 hours a week).  This of course is yet to be 'fact checked' - what the heck, maybe I'll just claim it as an 'alternative fact!'

Darrin accessed my new port quickly and painlessly - all the while I had Mum's words in my ears - "I love my portacath" - and now I know why - no digging around for veins, just a small pinprick going in and a small tug coming out and that's it. Relief! Relief also that the the port ran as expected and I had no signs of allergy to the drugs ...so far so good...

The infusion for the first three rounds includes three separate drugs - Fluorouracil, Epirubicin and Cyclophosphamide - known in the game as the FEC cocktail. Following these infusions I will have another three of Docetaxel. Different drugs, different side effects I gather. The infusion took longer than we'd been advised because of the port - a total of four rather than three hours, including the infusion of additional anti-nausea medication. My god these drugs are toxic - I'm on 4 different anti-nausea meds - but it's the best science can do right now, and I'll take what they can give me.

Rob - my steady, calm, rock - stayed by my side throughout. We learnt lots from Darrin about the process - including how they have to gown up separately for each patient - in my case a couple of times per session - and dispose of all the equipment - googles, masks, gowns and all on top of the tubes, bags, syringes. Where does this waste go we wonder?

I left the clinic and in 36oc heat walked hand in hand with Rob the two blocks back to the car past St V hospital, feeling surprisingly normal. I have had a restful afternoon (thanks to darling Cazy for taking care of our boys). So far still so good...

All going to plan, I have 126 days of this chemo regime (followed by 25 radiotherapy sessions over 5 weeks). To make this bearable I've decided one nice thing I can do is focus on one of my obsessions and make my way through my extensive earring collection (108 and counting) - many given to me by loved ones and from special places I've visited and events I've celebrated over the years. My aim (famous last words) is to take a photo every day wearing a different pair and write a little post about the earrings' provenance to help remind me of the fundamental sentiment I want to hold on to through out this entire process: Gratitude. Gratitude for my beautiful husband and sons, precious family, incredibly supportive friends, generous colleagues and the many carers and health care system that are contributing to blasting this cancer away, hopefully once and for all.

Today's earrings are very important because I inherited these from my beloved Mum who I'm missing terribly right now - for her always calm, wise and loving words and gentle touch - as I face a treatment regime that she knew all too well. Since Mum died I wear a piece of her jewellery almost every day. It makes me feel very close to her, as it did today.

I don't usually wear studs - arrogantly for many years I held the attitude that if they don't move, they're not worth wearing! As I grown older I'm increasingly appreciating their value and now have a growing collection.

These particular earrings have great sentimental value to me because Mum and I bought them together in the beautiful town of Annecy, in the Haute Savoie region of France. Rob and I and  James (aged 2) had met Mum and Dad there in Spring 2005 (after a little bit of a hiccup at Geneva airport, but that's another story!). We spent a few happy days exploring the area enjoying the lovely local rieslings and having a good excuse to eat delicious creamy dishes. The earrings with a matching pendant were a present to Mum for her birthday from all her children, which made them even more special to her then, and to me now too.

Ree arrives to give me a buzz cut tomorrow - which will enable me to show off the collection even better.